All you need is...

Listen to this; this morning I shuffled around my apartment like a wounded animal. I was hungry, but not hungry. I was sleepy but not. I did my class work and sat silently on the floor for a few hours, cooling mug of mint tea in one hand. I was so lonely, am so lonely. I've stayed in my room watching people love their lives. Even now, I cannot seem to find it in me to be happy.

The weird thing is I'm doing all I ever dreamed of. If you told me if be living in San Fran. a year ago I would have laughed in your face. I should be happy! I should be exploring things. But here I am watching You've Got Mail and Finding Mr.Destiny wishing that was me. 

But it's not. I know I'm not the most out going or even social creature.

 (｡-_-｡) 

Really I'm just a stick in the mud. I can't interact with anyone very well any longer. I fear that part of me may be broken forever. 

The one thing I want more than anything is love. I want to love and be loved in return. In a romantic sense. But every relationship I've had was me giving, and them taking. At the time it felt like love, but looking back I can see it wasn't. 

Being social is hard for me and I don't understand how people can put themselves out there. 

So much of what I read reminds me of other peoples lives. When really shouldn't it be mine I think of? But it's not. I'm a socially awkward otaku. Though that term is used to mean many things. To me it means outsider. I'm outside everyone. Really it feels like I'm in a bubble. Watching as everyone goes through amazing things while I sit back and go "Wow I want to do that!"  But never having the guts to do it.

I'm lonely. And scared. I'm not sure.