I'm still alive!

Hello! It's been over a year since I posted, and I feel like I should try and post more often.

I'm trying to advance my art and graduate still. I'm doing much better, not in a relationship, and sorta fine with it. Life has moved on, and I've gotten better.

Now, about this blog, Imma try and update it more. Making art is my life now, so I should be adding art to this blog. Along with my life, and my art and stuff.

As of now, I will leave you with this. That I'm alive, and semi-happy. Making my thesis book.

Enjoy my shitty I'm bored comic. (Before you ever see my real art.)

All you need is...

Listen to this; this morning I shuffled around my apartment like a wounded animal. I was hungry, but not hungry. I was sleepy but not. I did my class work and sat silently on the floor for a few hours, cooling mug of mint tea in one hand. I was so lonely, am so lonely. I've stayed in my room watching people love their lives. Even now, I cannot seem to find it in me to be happy.

The weird thing is I'm doing all I ever dreamed of. If you told me if be living in San Fran. a year ago I would have laughed in your face. I should be happy! I should be exploring things. But here I am watching You've Got Mail and Finding Mr.Destiny wishing that was me. 

But it's not. I know I'm not the most out going or even social creature.

 (｡-_-｡) 

Really I'm just a stick in the mud. I can't interact with anyone very well any longer. I fear that part of me may be broken forever. 

The one thing I want more than anything is love. I want to love and be loved in return. In a romantic sense. But every relationship I've had was me giving, and them taking. At the time it felt like love, but looking back I can see it wasn't. 

Being social is hard for me and I don't understand how people can put themselves out there. 

So much of what I read reminds me of other peoples lives. When really shouldn't it be mine I think of? But it's not. I'm a socially awkward otaku. Though that term is used to mean many things. To me it means outsider. I'm outside everyone. Really it feels like I'm in a bubble. Watching as everyone goes through amazing things while I sit back and go "Wow I want to do that!"  But never having the guts to do it.

I'm lonely. And scared. I'm not sure. 

Sailor Soldiers and The zoo

So it's spring break, and it's already over half over. It's strange I feel that the semester is half gone. It went by very fast and it was very odd. Now I scheduled for summer and fall classes and just about shitting my pants in fear.

The reality that my mid point will be NEXT SUMMER is still sinking in. Where I'll have to show people my work, and tell them "Hey you know this story I've been working on. Well here it is, can I make this my thesis." And they can go "Yes." or "Hella No." and I am completely terrified over the prospect. What the HELL and I going to do? It seems rather odd to be thinking about it. Even when it's about a year away. Jesus. I didn't think that it would be flying by so quickly. But IT IS. WHAT?

Aaaaanyways! I've been having fun of spring break. I have watched an unholy amount of Sailor Moon. Because I am so excited for the new series of it to come out. AH! So excited! But other than that, I went to the zoo yesterday! Woo!

There Bai and I had a ton of fun. Running around from 10 in the morning until about 2. It was exciting. Early in the morning there was almost no one there, and we got to see the seals without a crowd and watched the polar bears wander about eating lettuce and sweet potatoes. The Grizzly bear sisters were just grumps though, never moving while I was there. But they were MASSIVE. We walked a lot of the zoo and then by lunch time, we were contemplating cannibalism, we may or may not have gotten a little turned around and could smell food but not find it. After an over priced lunch we set out again. Did the whole zoo one more time, drew some animals, and basically goofed off. 

The worst part of the day was waiting for our cab, which took two hours because apparently they have the direction sense of a drunk sloth. Sitting outside on the stone wall in the balring sun, I got the weirdest sunburn. Just all oddly placed. It sucked. 

Then the cab driver we got decided he was in Fast and Furious. I'm pretty sure I dislocated something and Bai almost vomited on the window. It was less than pleasant. We were rocketing up hills and the cabbie would throw his hands up int eh air at cars stopping for red lights. I feared for my life. 

But then we got to the diner, and had ice cream. It was a satisfying day topped off with me beating my latest play through of Mass Effect 1 and watching A Very Potter Sequel. 

So I've been gone for a while...

Hello Friend,

I know I have been gone for a while. And truthfully I just gave up on this whole blog thing because it was so much work, and I was so depressed. Not wanting to bring you down with all my melancholy feelings. But maybe it's time to start up again.

I find that I need something to fill my time, and although I now have a Youtube channel, and a Tumblr. I find that posting personal things on those are just, useless. So here I am. Again. I am going to try and post once a week.

So update. When previously I was living in Syracuse, I now live in San Francisco. Well at least for the next three years while I get my masters. I'm already sweating bullets over my thesis. Which is silly. But I am. I'm at the Academy of Art University, and actually...genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. I'm doing what I love, and in fact terrified of what is going to happen.

I'm poor. And scared about money. Stacking up more debt. Can't find a job. Which is terrifying. But I'm making art again. Which is amazing and just a bit better than I was before.

I had been in a downward spiral following an extremely abusive relationship, where I literally though death was better than anything. Now here I am. Feeling better than I ever had. I'm happy. Here.

Here being on the planet. I'm still lonely, and very homesick. Which is normal but not too bad. I have a single very amazing friend. Bai, who is five years older than me but just a hoot. I'm glad to have met her. She's in the same major as I, Visual Development. I want to work in the film industry. Ain't that odd. But I never know what I'm going to be doing a month from now, let alone a year from now. But for now I'm happy.

Still I sometimes wake up sad, and hating everything around me. But Maybe I'll start branching out a bit more. To become more acquainted with this neighborhood. With this city. But I haven't found much to do for free, with me being poor and all.

I'll convince Bai to start helping me, even if it's just walking about. Or us just watching Sailor Moon.

Here is to a new start.

A girl named Adriane is growing up...and into herself.

Before Work

So here I am, sitting on my bed before work. Trying to figure everything out.

I want to get out of Syracuse, I want to get out of New York State. But I have so many hurdles to get over before I can even do that. I mean, I suppose that really I just want out of my parents house. I want to live on my own.

Though that seems forever away, I guess it's time for me to get moving. I'm saving money up, and trying to keep my shit together. Because although I've made it sort of successfully into adult life, the sense of dread that hangs over me is just stifling.  

The breath knocked out of me.

So today, I woke up in a pretty decent disposition. That should have been my first warning, that the day was going down the tubes. In many ways, this was a decent day. I had some good laughs with a friend, talked to some decent people over the phone. But I felt like shit all day, my body all out of wack for the last month or so.

And things are just piling up. Mostly emotional turmoil that I am piling on myself. So much self degradation, and disappointment that most days I feel like my chest is in a steel cage, pinching smaller and smaller like some corset that I can't remove.

This sounds so much like so many other entries I've made. But I feel like I'm slowly slipping down the end of a rope I've been clinging to for so long. People are always saying, "You're not alone in this." that is not comforting from people I don't trust, or are too far from me to really be there. I feel so alone, and trapped.

Trapped in this life that really I never saw myself in. I go to work, I sleep and eat. Really, I want to get out of this God forsaken city. I want to get out and move somewhere, where I can be my own person away from my family. Am I childish, wanting my life to become something I'm proud of? Really? I've been told that I am, for wanting to be happy so early in life. Well then fuck you, because I see no point in working for money only.

But with everything else dragging me down, my depression seemingly getting worse and worse. I hope I can hold on a bit more.

This is where I feel at home

So here we are, mostly because I was getting tired of that picture post. It was stupid and mostly done out of laziness.

I've been employed and will be starting work on Monday. Which is a good thing. Money is always good. So my issues with being a bum are over. I still am terribly lonely. Having but one friend where I live is horrible. And realizing I'm not going back to E.C. was a painful realization. It's scary frankly. Not getting ready, not being excited to see the people I consider family. Knowing it's going to be a long time before I get to hug any of them. Or have demented conversations with them.

I've never actually felt this lonely before. I'm so good at socializing and making friends usually. But something about having not been here for about four years, makes me feel like the new kid a school again. I'm awkward and just silent.

It'll be worse on Monday. But what can I do?

So
job (check)
friends (a single check) [[and I love her for still being my friend]]
Happiness

I'll get there. Hopefully. I mean, there is always surprisingly hope.


“If you know someone who’s depressed please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation, depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do.”
— Stephen Fry

To all my friends.