So I've been gone for a while...

Hello Friend,

I know I have been gone for a while. And truthfully I just gave up on this whole blog thing because it was so much work, and I was so depressed. Not wanting to bring you down with all my melancholy feelings. But maybe it's time to start up again.

I find that I need something to fill my time, and although I now have a Youtube channel, and a Tumblr. I find that posting personal things on those are just, useless. So here I am. Again. I am going to try and post once a week.

So update. When previously I was living in Syracuse, I now live in San Francisco. Well at least for the next three years while I get my masters. I'm already sweating bullets over my thesis. Which is silly. But I am. I'm at the Academy of Art University, and actually...genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. I'm doing what I love, and in fact terrified of what is going to happen.

I'm poor. And scared about money. Stacking up more debt. Can't find a job. Which is terrifying. But I'm making art again. Which is amazing and just a bit better than I was before.

I had been in a downward spiral following an extremely abusive relationship, where I literally though death was better than anything. Now here I am. Feeling better than I ever had. I'm happy. Here.

Here being on the planet. I'm still lonely, and very homesick. Which is normal but not too bad. I have a single very amazing friend. Bai, who is five years older than me but just a hoot. I'm glad to have met her. She's in the same major as I, Visual Development. I want to work in the film industry. Ain't that odd. But I never know what I'm going to be doing a month from now, let alone a year from now. But for now I'm happy.

Still I sometimes wake up sad, and hating everything around me. But Maybe I'll start branching out a bit more. To become more acquainted with this neighborhood. With this city. But I haven't found much to do for free, with me being poor and all.

I'll convince Bai to start helping me, even if it's just walking about. Or us just watching Sailor Moon.

Here is to a new start.

A girl named Adriane is growing up...and into herself.

Before Work

So here I am, sitting on my bed before work. Trying to figure everything out.

I want to get out of Syracuse, I want to get out of New York State. But I have so many hurdles to get over before I can even do that. I mean, I suppose that really I just want out of my parents house. I want to live on my own.

Though that seems forever away, I guess it's time for me to get moving. I'm saving money up, and trying to keep my shit together. Because although I've made it sort of successfully into adult life, the sense of dread that hangs over me is just stifling.  

This is where I feel at home

So here we are, mostly because I was getting tired of that picture post. It was stupid and mostly done out of laziness.

I've been employed and will be starting work on Monday. Which is a good thing. Money is always good. So my issues with being a bum are over. I still am terribly lonely. Having but one friend where I live is horrible. And realizing I'm not going back to E.C. was a painful realization. It's scary frankly. Not getting ready, not being excited to see the people I consider family. Knowing it's going to be a long time before I get to hug any of them. Or have demented conversations with them.

I've never actually felt this lonely before. I'm so good at socializing and making friends usually. But something about having not been here for about four years, makes me feel like the new kid a school again. I'm awkward and just silent.

It'll be worse on Monday. But what can I do?

So
job (check)
friends (a single check) [[and I love her for still being my friend]]
Happiness

I'll get there. Hopefully. I mean, there is always surprisingly hope.


“If you know someone who’s depressed please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation, depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do.”
— Stephen Fry

To all my friends.

Flawed.

You just, never fit Adriane.

Nothing like a person you thought was one of your best friends telling you that you'll never be enough to rip you apart at the seams. Nothing more painful, then someone you've told everything about yourself to, telling you that you are the most messed up out of all of their friends.

And though, we don't hang out much, or ever really anymore but I guess it's just. I don't know. I know I shouldn't listen to her, but she's not the first person to say things like this to me.

"You just, never fit Adriane. Out of all my friends you're the most fucked up."

What does this even mean? Because I don't sleep? Because my depression weighs me down a lot? Because I'm uncomfortable in my own skin a lot. Because I deflect and internalize?

What does this mean?

What?

I don't fit because my emotions get the better of me? I don't fit because I followed my god damned dreams? WHY~?

I WANT TO KNOW? EVERY TIME ANYONE HAS SAID THIS TO ME THEY NEVER TELL ME WHY! WHY AM I THE FUCKED UP ONE? BECAUSE I HAVE ABILITY TO SAY WHAT THE FUCK IS EXACTLY ON MY MIND?

I cannot do this anymore, I just can't. Almost every time I put myself out there. Give myself completely over, show a bit too much of who I actually am. I get so hurt that I want to quit.

I have a handful for best friends left. Most have Greek letter nicknames. And that sad thing is, I'm still holding things back.

So very lonely.

So I found two Gifs that sort of fit myself in an alarming way. I mean, I was up so late last night, day dreaming. Which isn't all that surprising but then I tried to think of how my life would actually go. I want to get my portfolio up and running again. Since I have a new Drawing Tablet that would be easy. So what is there but to really step away from what people think I should do into who I want to be? 

Talking to my friend whom I've know for a decade they pointed out that I seem to cater to everyone else besides myself. I want people to be proud of myself even if I'm not proud of myself. They then proceeded to tell me to pull my head out of my ass and fight for what I want. Which...I'm trying but starting my own business is going to be a challenge, or getting my art out there is going to be a challenge. Getting inspired and staying that way is hard. 

But dude life is hard. This was all pertaining to the first Gif. 

On top of that, I never want to let people down. More over I don't want to crush myself. But I mean if I am to be realistic than I should probably accept that failure is undoubtedly going to occur. Nevertheless, I'm still pulling myself through and up. Getting a job is the first step.

I'm a fangirl

My life, more recently has revolved around my issues and well fictional characters. Their triumphs and defeats make my life seem so ordinary and I suppose it is, but I am a fangirl. Not in the sense where I tack 'desu' at the end of every word, or that I ship so hard my brain explodes. But it has happened before.

My discovery of I guess the extreme fan base sort of started like this, and has kept me swimming in it.

I won't lie and say I dove right into great fandomship. I did write a few Mary-Sue fanfictions but I'm sure everyone has, and read a good amount of shit on fanfiction.net. But soon (with the help of key friends, you know who you are) I was diving head first into straight fanfiction that began my shipping battles, which ended as quickly as they came because really fighting over fictional characters is boring to me.  

Though most of my childhood, and adolescence was spent in this type of state.

I ended up a different person, though I still carry the baggage today. I dropped many of my hetero-ships though I still claim a few, like Neville/Luna, I moved to slash and now write it. I have a good following on one site where I write crossovers and have way too much fun with Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 

Beyond all of that being a fangirl is more than writing fanfics or drawing fan art. It's about being excited over things that some people would scoff at. Such as hearing Snape whisper "Trust me" before the doe appears in Deathly Hallows pt 1. 

And even better beyond that, it has helped me develop into someone I love being, beyond my image issues. It made me smart, literate and creative. Being involved with these fandoms have given me a base in which to express myself which, in turn has spread far beyond the fandoms and into my own life. 

My childhood was built around these fandoms, and allowed me to change myself in better ways. Anita Blake tought me to be strong (before the series turned into an HBO special), Harry Potter taught me to choose between what is right and what is easy, Frodo Baggins taught me to be strong in the face of the darkest things, Aang taught me to have fun, The Doctor told me I was extraordinary and Xander, dear dear Xander taught me to love without reining myself in. 

I know being called a fangirl has some other things attached to it. Weird obsessed girls who talk about only that and will shove it into any conversation, and I have met one of those, but I feel like it is a large stereotype that can't be broken until we, ourselves break it. 

So fuck it.

I'm a fangirl, I giggle as stupid things, I poke and squee over Zuko statues. I crank the volume to hear Snape. I love Loki's anguish. 

But I'm a student (a senior) in college, I'm an aunt. And the sad thing is.

All my friends and family are fangirls/boys too.

Day MADE

As of today I am accepted into SMFA Boston. Me, who thought I was going to sit by and cry for ever and work at McDonalds. I plan on going, I plan on getting my masters and becoming a prof. much like the one who made me realize that art is my one true love.

Now...I was going to tell you a bit bout this guy, but here learn for yourself

http://www.marcdennis.com/ .

If I know anything, I know this. Only from studying under him did I make it here. He pushed me, and shoved me in directions I wouldn't have gone without him. And I thank him for that.

But for now, I'm going to rejoyce and party it up.

Because bitches. I know where I'm going and I know where I've been.

What is Time?

After listening to Billy Porter's song, Time I feel so helpless and down trodden. Every time I think everything is basically stable in some sort of way, I get sucker punched and I crumble. The stress of Senior year is wearing on me, and I don't know how much more I can stand without falling apart completely. I'm supposed to be happy, and even though I'm not I wish my friends were. But they are suffering through the exact same thing as me and I just wish I had never come to this school. That I had never wasted so much of my money on something that may not even get me anywhere. Art isn't exactly a flourishing place for new comers to just hop into.

I have the passion, the love of my work, the feeling of brush on canvas, pencil on paper. But I don't know if that is enough. There are so many artists out there who art great, people I know who have flopped and fallen on their faces.

Dear Lord what am I going to do? I'm going to be stuck at a minimum wage job the rest of my life, my college education giving me nothing but the ability to paint pretty things and identify ancient things. Without much else I'm going to be working at a dead end job.

Confucius said "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."

I found something I love, but I'm so unsure of my ability to find a job in that field. I hate being so unsure, so scared. I don't remember being this scared coming out of High School, I have no idea why. But it scares me shitless.

I don't want to be a dead beat.

So when life gets tough...grab a sledge hammer.

Actually I am getting a little frustrated. I have photoshop, but my old tablet bucket the kickit. So I'm thinking about buying myself a bamboo tablet from Wacom. I loved using my old one to doodle and draw. It think I might be able to paint better than with my mouse. So I'm going to run it by the parental units and then we'll see.

On another hand. It's Thursday and I have no classes today, and my later Fassette date with a friend. So I'm passing time by writing and doing things that aren't really that fancy. It's all fun and such.

But video art is going horribly so I'm going to pop out a couple videos here soon, one a cooking video another as a time lapse video of me painting. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully great. >.>

A Letter to Me at 17

Adriane,

Stop being so angry, and try to be happy. I know that being evicted is hard but you’ll pull through. Syracuse will be one of the best things that happen to you. But try to get a job and be happy when you realize that your life isn’t really that hard. Save up money and help you Mom as much as you can with gas money.

When you get into college, follow your heart. Art is your love, but always go through anything that tickles your fancy. You got so much going for you, and you’re going to go on and do some great things. Don’t shut people out, and be glad when someone waves at you. And when you meet Rachel hug her as much as you can, she really needs it. Always give people the benefit of the doubt.

Hug everyone as much as you can, because you’re going to figure out what it is to love. Tiz needs a good waking up before you leave, but let him go it’ll be okay. Jasper will need you, don’t ignore his texts when you’re busy. Try and visit Rosey as muh as you can.

You need to thank Mrs.Flannery and Mr.Boyer they helped you so much. Find Mr.Tomidi and hug the stuffing outta that man. Because you never know where life is going to take you, writing is one of your biggest loves. They helped you build up that love.

Try not to be so mad at everything and defensive, I know a lot of people based on track record have fail miserably in the area of treating you great. Don’t play it safe! But don’t be stupid. Playing it safe never helped anyone get anywhere.

It’ll be okay, these aren’t the best days of your life. But I guess I’ll see you in the mirror here soon. I wish you’d work out, and eat healthier. I wish you would take school a little less seriously, and have more fun. I wish you put yourself out there. I wish you would follow your dreams before it’s too late. I wish you’d learn about cooking more. I wish you’d take some serious classes senior year.

Don’t worry about finding a guy, he’ll wander on in sometime. He’ll see the diamond sparkling in there and cherish you. That will be worth waiting for, and you are beautiful. Don’t brush off someone who tells you so. Hug Jason by the way, he really needs it. Augie will be moving soon, try to keep up with him.

So no fear, chin up. Be happy. But don’t worry about me, because hey you’ll know me soon enough. Have some faith. Give God a chance to poke into your life.

Love, Adriane.

P.S. Go hug Danielle Overland the first chance you get.

This New Year

I've never been one to have a resolution. I'm not the follow through type. But I guess I should follow something up with some action. I hope to blog more this year, not only on this blog but on my other New blog.

A 365 Project, How exciting. Right???

But beyond that project, I want to put myself out there. Where I've never been. I've always tried to be safe and not to run screaming into the hills when something makes me feel awkward. I want to do things beside play on my computer and do class work. So here I am trying to make sure I don't fall through again. I'm going to enlist the help of family and friends to not only make sure I stay on track with my project, but also make me go out there and try new things.

So here we go, I'm going to start carrying a little book with me. Most likely a sketch book and update the blog when I feel Like I've gotten enough to write about. Which might be a week or a day. Never the same amount of time. Lets do this.

The Little Things

So it's Senior year, and I am freaking out over Grad school and getting my portfolio finished ( or even started) I'm just hectically trying to get my stuff together. Jeez.

In these last few weeks I've been seeing things from a new perspective. I watch my friends smile and be happy and it makes me happy by proxy. These little moments are important to me, even if they seem trivial and stupid. They are great memories of times filled with laughter and not stress. So I'm grateful for them.



Friends to me are lie life blood, and tend to keep me a float in times where I feel as if I'm going to drown in everything I have to do. Even when they come and go I tend to remember names for years, even memories seem fresh to me when I talk about them. It's strange I guess, to remember for so long. But I mean, I never remember the important things, like birthdays or schools, or where they live, I remember that one time we hid under opposite beds and played cards.

SO I assume that little things mean more to me than the big things, which can't be good for my future. But is GREAT for my art. Small things like flowers make me happy, and inspire my art. Or the changing of the leaves in fall. SO I guess I'm trying to be Cliche without being Cliche. I'm not going to say "Stop and smell the roses." But hey, look up at the sky once in a while, marvel at the vastness of the known and unknown universe. realize that your life is small compared to the world.

Realizing you aren't big and important makes it easier to see the little things for the beauty they hold, or at least for me they do.



Life is coming up quickly for me, and it's starting to hit me that this is my last year at E.C. and I'll be in Graduate school in the real world. And I don't know if I'm ready or not, but I'm pretty sure that I'll handle it some how....

Hey you...I forgot about you....

Well not really forgot more got bored of life and have been ruling my Sims with an iron fist. Not that isn't a giant nerdy thing or anything. But as I was doing nothing, but ruling over my sims, writing some random thoughts for my book and sketching...and then eventually painting...I have been bored.

Over the past weeks, I have been to Key West (got sun burnt) and then done nothing really exciting. Life has been boring and sad. But other than that...nothing. HOWEVER!!!

I have been making leaps in bound in my writing, not only of fanfiction but my novel which has been sitting beside my computer JUDGING ME!! IT JUDGES!! But I will start with some nice information stuff...

As I've always dreamed of becoming a writer, I have been attempting to look into publishing. And wooo...it has been a chore. I will hopefully add some of my other 'storys' as they are now and add to them.

Oh HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY ART MAJOR!

You never realize how much people influence you until you listen to your own heart, and how the simplest of phrases can push you in the simplest of directions. I mean having someone you've had limited interaction with tell you something that touches your soul makes all of the difference. How your family telling you that it was fate for you to do what you always dreamed of doing. And not only hearing that but going on with the dream. I did that today, with one hour of sleep and the determination of someone who found their dream was within their grasp.

I'm now a Art Major with a Classical Studies Minor. I feel like this is what I always should have done. Why I didn't do it before I haven't a clue but I'm certain that it was meant to be. I have my head brimming with inspiration and ideas that just popped up with my freedom of art. I think that this experience allowed me to pull together and start to make sense of the shit sundae that was and still is my life (sort of).

As I sit here waiting for work to get it's ass here so I can get to sleep. Which is most definitely coming tonight. I'm glad I have people that love enough to tell me to get my head out of my ass, or to support me. Friends are another self. And I believe I found that is the people who inspire me to wake up every morning and get going. It is strange to know that all these people not only know me but love me is strange. Sometimes you can feel so alone and not even realize it. People influence you, and you can never let them get you down.

Learn from my mistakes, because it's impossible for you to make them all yourself. Don't let people tell you that your dreams are worth nothing, and though I still have self image issues. It is true that I can only let what people say affect me. And I was a fool to let it. (Peer Pressure is a bitch sometimes, but so is pop culture)

I don't know where I'm going from here but I'm sure as hell not going to do it alone any more.

What is Time?

So I've had a ton of thinking time and I just want to know. What makes time pass, what is it measured in? I mean is it the tress that change...or how about that papers you write? I just can't understand it. Because I've been at school for almost a month and I can't seem to comprehend that time is passing so quickly.I really don't want it to.

But I guess it just I don't want time to go quickly. I don't want the seniors to graduate and I don't want to be a senior myself. Because truthfully I'm scared of the future and where I will go? I'm very insecure and it doesn't help at all with anything.

But on the other hand I still haven't really figured anything out. Other than how to exhaust myself. But well that won't help me really.

Peace out.

Day 1

I'm not a very selfish person from what I know. But I guess this is what this blog is about. I want to figure out what I'm going in this world. Why am I here? What do I love? This is my road to self discovery. However let me start by introducing myself.

I am Adriane, a girl who lives in New York and goes to school at Elmira College. I'm an amateur artist and writer. My major is Classical Studies, with two minors in Art and English Lit. I'm six feet tall, (naturally) blond, however my hair is always changing, with blue eyes.

My family is large, I suppose. I have three older sisters all which have at least one child. My parents are, though not always happily, married and I technically live with them in Syracuse. I have a single Aunt and Uncle who have six children. Though I don't suppose that I will be speaking very much about them.

I have many friends that will probably make some sort of appearance and might come and go as my life progresses.

I have no real clue where this blog is headed but I hope I personally will get somewhere with it's help...I'll have a living archive of my life. I might not make the same mistakes twice, (hopefully) but life is hectic.

My goal here is to write a entry everyday about my thoughts and happenings. I'll hopefully have a physical journal in my hands at all time and be able to jot down what ever thoughts glide through my head at any time.

I hope readers (however few there may be), that you will help me through this journey of life.