So I've been gone for a while...

Hello Friend,

I know I have been gone for a while. And truthfully I just gave up on this whole blog thing because it was so much work, and I was so depressed. Not wanting to bring you down with all my melancholy feelings. But maybe it's time to start up again.

I find that I need something to fill my time, and although I now have a Youtube channel, and a Tumblr. I find that posting personal things on those are just, useless. So here I am. Again. I am going to try and post once a week.

So update. When previously I was living in Syracuse, I now live in San Francisco. Well at least for the next three years while I get my masters. I'm already sweating bullets over my thesis. Which is silly. But I am. I'm at the Academy of Art University, and actually...genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. I'm doing what I love, and in fact terrified of what is going to happen.

I'm poor. And scared about money. Stacking up more debt. Can't find a job. Which is terrifying. But I'm making art again. Which is amazing and just a bit better than I was before.

I had been in a downward spiral following an extremely abusive relationship, where I literally though death was better than anything. Now here I am. Feeling better than I ever had. I'm happy. Here.

Here being on the planet. I'm still lonely, and very homesick. Which is normal but not too bad. I have a single very amazing friend. Bai, who is five years older than me but just a hoot. I'm glad to have met her. She's in the same major as I, Visual Development. I want to work in the film industry. Ain't that odd. But I never know what I'm going to be doing a month from now, let alone a year from now. But for now I'm happy.

Still I sometimes wake up sad, and hating everything around me. But Maybe I'll start branching out a bit more. To become more acquainted with this neighborhood. With this city. But I haven't found much to do for free, with me being poor and all.

I'll convince Bai to start helping me, even if it's just walking about. Or us just watching Sailor Moon.

Here is to a new start.

A girl named Adriane is growing up...and into herself.

Why do I bug myself?

Okay so today was the final critic, for painting....and although I'm really happy about my paintings, and my new (and shiny) major I can't help but wonder. WHERE the hell am I going? What is my goal, if the percentages that M.D. told us today are true. Can I really become a full time artist like I want to? I MEAN I want to but is it a possible thing for me to want to paint and draw and have gallery showings? Although i know my lifetime goal, to own and run a bookshop/cafe. I just have to find my way to that place. I'm going to work my ass off. That I know. But the struggle to move on up seems daunting right now. And it might be the stress of finals, and such but I bug myself about this thing.

I've never be a floater, able to just walked down any path. I'm a set in motion, plan type of girl. Which may seem weird...but I am. I know, that I will be doing so much shite this summer. Hopefully taking an art class at my local Community college, hopefully getting a job and painting and drawing my ass off. But I guess I'm looking in my own head...what do i want to do if I can't be a full time artist? (Because really, I don't want to be a real life Squidward)

So here I am staring at this text thing for my blog and filling it with useless things that my brain sputters out. Sort of like an exhaust pipe. I have photoshop open on a blank file...and NADA. Nope nothing swims to the surface of my mind. But I guess that is life. A lot of people seem to think I need my plans set in stone (including myself) but so many people seem to go with the flow.

Now I'm rambling. My own worries to you poor, poor reader. So here I go to paint some craptastic doodle and stare at it in disdain... :D

Oh HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY ART MAJOR!

You never realize how much people influence you until you listen to your own heart, and how the simplest of phrases can push you in the simplest of directions. I mean having someone you've had limited interaction with tell you something that touches your soul makes all of the difference. How your family telling you that it was fate for you to do what you always dreamed of doing. And not only hearing that but going on with the dream. I did that today, with one hour of sleep and the determination of someone who found their dream was within their grasp.

I'm now a Art Major with a Classical Studies Minor. I feel like this is what I always should have done. Why I didn't do it before I haven't a clue but I'm certain that it was meant to be. I have my head brimming with inspiration and ideas that just popped up with my freedom of art. I think that this experience allowed me to pull together and start to make sense of the shit sundae that was and still is my life (sort of).

As I sit here waiting for work to get it's ass here so I can get to sleep. Which is most definitely coming tonight. I'm glad I have people that love enough to tell me to get my head out of my ass, or to support me. Friends are another self. And I believe I found that is the people who inspire me to wake up every morning and get going. It is strange to know that all these people not only know me but love me is strange. Sometimes you can feel so alone and not even realize it. People influence you, and you can never let them get you down.

Learn from my mistakes, because it's impossible for you to make them all yourself. Don't let people tell you that your dreams are worth nothing, and though I still have self image issues. It is true that I can only let what people say affect me. And I was a fool to let it. (Peer Pressure is a bitch sometimes, but so is pop culture)

I don't know where I'm going from here but I'm sure as hell not going to do it alone any more.