What is beauty?

(orignal art and rights go to MichaelO on DeviantArt.)

Fat, Fat, Fat, Chubby, chunky, I have heard these words my whole life, and it has affected me. Everyone knows that children are cruel, and life is harsh. However, I’ve seen the harshness of the world for a long time. As I am fat, not even going to gloss over it, physically guys don’t like me. Moreover, it does not help that people who are obsessed with weight surround me. So I’ve been depression googling, I am a pro at this pass time, and have seen a lot of people’s opinions. Such as

From Chad D. on yahoo answers.
“Fat can be a lot of things, sexy is not one of them. Lose some weight, you'll feel better, look better, be healthier.”

Or Chris on yahoo answers.
“NO categorically no
fat people are just plain repulsive back fat, stretch marks, overhang. they are NOT SEXY at all”

Or Smiling Beauty on Yahoo Answers.
“No matter how fat or thin you are if you like the way you look , you shouldnt care about anything! think about some anorexic skinny girls or girls with eating disorders, they are so thin but still not happy with themselves. They look like skeletons. if you feel you are sexy , just dont let others destroy your confidence! you know why these people are saying you this ? because these people are actually low esteem and inconfident people, who feel good by judging others bad....we should feel pity for these people....these people cant bear to see you happy( they are pathetic losers, who feel low seeing you so confident and sexy) YES there are many girls who are fat and sooooooooooooooooooooooo SEXY!!!! i bet even you are sexy : ) . Inner happiness is everthing! NO matter if a girl is thin or fat , if she carries herself in a good way thats all! i have seen some slim girls with no confidence at all and with a bad sense of style! and i have seen some chubby girls with a superb sense of dressing and an air of enchanting confidence. excellent and keep up your confidence!”

So my question always is, especially when I’m depression googling, will anyone ever love me for me. Out of a friendship type, or just a sex buddy type of ‘love’. I’ve never had a good boyfriend and have come across a lot of hate for my size. I believe that this is why I am so cold and angry. Being the way I am I have come to have a thick outer shell that is hard to break. I suppose that people have different opinions and can’t seem to accept that obesity and overweight people don’t all take this abuse sitting down.

The shit that covers the media drags girls like me down. In addition, it hurts to feel that stares and the laughter in people’s eyes. These people judge and point at our flaws because they’re visible.

What makes it worse is when people I love say I am not fat. When I stare at myself in the mirror, I feel so angry and I hate myself. I have been ‘thick’ for as long as I could remember. I can’t remember a time when I fit it, because of my height, or because of my weight. It was strange being the tallest and the most overweight. I know these loved ones mean well, and to them I’m beautiful and great. However, I cannot see it.

But one thing I guess people have to understand is that trying to fit into a mold that you can’t doesn’t help. Trying to lose weight through extreme dieting (like I have tried) or short bursts of exercising (guilty again) doesn’t help much either. It makes you feel like a failure, and depresses you. It helps to get healthy, and start out small.
Smaller portions, and less time spent sitting around. I tend to play video games a lot, and had for a long time, had the tendency to snack during these times. So I stopped snacking, a small change. I started drinking more water, and there you go.
But I don’t know.

To all those reading this who feel like I do, who feel unpretty and fat, well think about it you’re not alone. I’m here and you have to know that you are always loved. It may not always be apparent, or the way you want. But it’s there, and guess what. Even though there is a chance, I don’t know you, won’t talk to you, or cry with you. Guess what I love you. For all that you are, for the quirks and the flaws. For the person who is in your body. I love you completely with all my heart because we are kindred.

And to those who are rude and ridicule, I cast the first stone at you. Can you not see the ugliness that I behold in your soul? Didn’t think so.


A movie recommendation for all those who want to find love within themselves.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0490196/

life's blood

Throughout life, I have had one constant companion, music. A wonderful friend understands my moods, and my life. Music is a cultural experience, which every human in the world understands. The importance of music in my life is huge. It influences my art, my writing and my day. I have over the years, collected a large amount of music that ranges from country, to screamo. It is a great ability to be eclectic.
It baffles me when I hear people bashing a music genre based on stereotypical traits that appear in the genre. An example; country is all twang and trains. Which it can be, but it is talking about normal everything about a small town life. My love of music is my soul.
It is a rare thing to see me without headphones or music playing in the open air, when I’m not in class Or something just as boring/important.
One thing I’ve learned from being so in love with music is that one should always search for new music. It is important to do so. Never turn away from a band that you’ve only heard one song of. For example I hated Taylor Swift for a while, because of my freshman year of college my across the hall neighbors played “Love Story” on repeat all day every day. I hated the song and then by osmosis I hated Taylor Swift. Soon I found that there were songs I liked from her, such as “White Horse”. Slowly I noticed that artists I previously disliked I began to like more and more.
Then I found myself going deeper into other types of music. I began to take in movies scores and they seemed to overpower my music library entirely.
I still seem to be collecting more and more music as my life goes on. Now I’m happy that I got a terra bite external drive. :D
On another subject, I have found that I seem to have concluded about life and everything. I mean life is a hard thing, everyone can understand that. Nevertheless, I think careful what you wish for, because wishes come true. They are not free. Wishes can lead you where you will be lost…and alone. However, no one is alone, really alone. You are always loved and always will be. Even when you don’t see it. I know sometimes life kicks you in the ass, and some people leave you in the middle of the woods. However, there is always someone there to grab your hand and pull you in the right direction.