Before Work

So here I am, sitting on my bed before work. Trying to figure everything out.

I want to get out of Syracuse, I want to get out of New York State. But I have so many hurdles to get over before I can even do that. I mean, I suppose that really I just want out of my parents house. I want to live on my own.

Though that seems forever away, I guess it's time for me to get moving. I'm saving money up, and trying to keep my shit together. Because although I've made it sort of successfully into adult life, the sense of dread that hangs over me is just stifling.  

The breath knocked out of me.

So today, I woke up in a pretty decent disposition. That should have been my first warning, that the day was going down the tubes. In many ways, this was a decent day. I had some good laughs with a friend, talked to some decent people over the phone. But I felt like shit all day, my body all out of wack for the last month or so.

And things are just piling up. Mostly emotional turmoil that I am piling on myself. So much self degradation, and disappointment that most days I feel like my chest is in a steel cage, pinching smaller and smaller like some corset that I can't remove.

This sounds so much like so many other entries I've made. But I feel like I'm slowly slipping down the end of a rope I've been clinging to for so long. People are always saying, "You're not alone in this." that is not comforting from people I don't trust, or are too far from me to really be there. I feel so alone, and trapped.

Trapped in this life that really I never saw myself in. I go to work, I sleep and eat. Really, I want to get out of this God forsaken city. I want to get out and move somewhere, where I can be my own person away from my family. Am I childish, wanting my life to become something I'm proud of? Really? I've been told that I am, for wanting to be happy so early in life. Well then fuck you, because I see no point in working for money only.

But with everything else dragging me down, my depression seemingly getting worse and worse. I hope I can hold on a bit more.

This is where I feel at home

So here we are, mostly because I was getting tired of that picture post. It was stupid and mostly done out of laziness.

I've been employed and will be starting work on Monday. Which is a good thing. Money is always good. So my issues with being a bum are over. I still am terribly lonely. Having but one friend where I live is horrible. And realizing I'm not going back to E.C. was a painful realization. It's scary frankly. Not getting ready, not being excited to see the people I consider family. Knowing it's going to be a long time before I get to hug any of them. Or have demented conversations with them.

I've never actually felt this lonely before. I'm so good at socializing and making friends usually. But something about having not been here for about four years, makes me feel like the new kid a school again. I'm awkward and just silent.

It'll be worse on Monday. But what can I do?

So
job (check)
friends (a single check) [[and I love her for still being my friend]]
Happiness

I'll get there. Hopefully. I mean, there is always surprisingly hope.


“If you know someone who’s depressed please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation, depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do.”
— Stephen Fry

To all my friends.

Flawed.

You just, never fit Adriane.

Nothing like a person you thought was one of your best friends telling you that you'll never be enough to rip you apart at the seams. Nothing more painful, then someone you've told everything about yourself to, telling you that you are the most messed up out of all of their friends.

And though, we don't hang out much, or ever really anymore but I guess it's just. I don't know. I know I shouldn't listen to her, but she's not the first person to say things like this to me.

"You just, never fit Adriane. Out of all my friends you're the most fucked up."

What does this even mean? Because I don't sleep? Because my depression weighs me down a lot? Because I'm uncomfortable in my own skin a lot. Because I deflect and internalize?

What does this mean?

What?

I don't fit because my emotions get the better of me? I don't fit because I followed my god damned dreams? WHY~?

I WANT TO KNOW? EVERY TIME ANYONE HAS SAID THIS TO ME THEY NEVER TELL ME WHY! WHY AM I THE FUCKED UP ONE? BECAUSE I HAVE ABILITY TO SAY WHAT THE FUCK IS EXACTLY ON MY MIND?

I cannot do this anymore, I just can't. Almost every time I put myself out there. Give myself completely over, show a bit too much of who I actually am. I get so hurt that I want to quit.

I have a handful for best friends left. Most have Greek letter nicknames. And that sad thing is, I'm still holding things back.

And here we are...again

So I've applied at my dream job, won't say where. But I'm very excited. I wouldn't have done so at all, if it weren't for my friend...probably one of the few I call Best Friend. She basically talked me into it over an Instant Message conversation. She really does help me, which is awesome and fun.

But...

Beyond that, I'm still jobless and bored out of my head. This whole being stuck in my house for a long time is getting to me, coupled with my lack of money means I really can't do anything besides chill at the duck pond and feed birds corn. Which, contrary to popular belief gets boring really quick, or dangerous depending on if you are feeding the Swan lettuce. 

So now I've taken to watching things on Netflix, and writing/chatting. I have five days until my parents leave me and go to Colorado for three weeks, which I am insanely jealous about by the way. So I'll be home alone, no transport because as of right now, I lack a license and the car will be gone anyways. So I have a feeling I will be gaming and watching movies. Which though not boring, is more boring when you do it alone, and I won't bother my only friend too much during this time. She has her own life or table top gaming. (which I don't do) 

So I'm waiting for call backs, which I don't know if that will happen. I have to send out my portfolio to California. Then it'll be golden. Still freaking out, it'll be okay, I just have to breathe. O.O

So very lonely.

So I found two Gifs that sort of fit myself in an alarming way. I mean, I was up so late last night, day dreaming. Which isn't all that surprising but then I tried to think of how my life would actually go. I want to get my portfolio up and running again. Since I have a new Drawing Tablet that would be easy. So what is there but to really step away from what people think I should do into who I want to be? 

Talking to my friend whom I've know for a decade they pointed out that I seem to cater to everyone else besides myself. I want people to be proud of myself even if I'm not proud of myself. They then proceeded to tell me to pull my head out of my ass and fight for what I want. Which...I'm trying but starting my own business is going to be a challenge, or getting my art out there is going to be a challenge. Getting inspired and staying that way is hard. 

But dude life is hard. This was all pertaining to the first Gif. 

On top of that, I never want to let people down. More over I don't want to crush myself. But I mean if I am to be realistic than I should probably accept that failure is undoubtedly going to occur. Nevertheless, I'm still pulling myself through and up. Getting a job is the first step.

Pull ups.

So here I am, sitting on my bed again. Writing a blog post. I'm home, and graduated. I've been feeling down and out, sort of floaty and lost. Which isn't exactly a great feeling. I mean, I need work and a purpose. But I've been thinking. I'm worrying about things that shouldn't really matter.

IE: Money, the future and tons of other silly things.

I'm not taking that best advice I was ever given. One piece by my Professor M.D. and another is from Neil Gaiman, and the last piece from The Tenth Doctor. Which is not all that surprising. I feel like it will take me time to use this advice, but if I think about it, well it may not be as hard as I thought it was going to be.

First piece, Don't Worry About Money. Marc told me that if I wanted to be actually happy I shouldn't worry about money. It'll come when I need it or I'll get it. It's not the end all be all of my world, and my happiness shouldn't hinge on it. Which I guess to me it does, my life has taught me to attempt to save money anywhere and everywhere. But I guess I need to look past that, I need to be happy working.

Second Piece, Do anything that felt like an Adventure, and stop when it feels like work, so that life never feels like work. I guess doing what you love is what makes you happy, and I should stop when it feels like work. Which I did really when it came to my major is college. All the majors I had before Art felt like work. I felt like I was doing something which, I had no real passion for, and although I loved these majors; except Education, it felt like I was working. As if I was pulling wages at a nine to five job doing something so boring and monotonous that I couldn't keep going. So it seems I do follow that to a point, and need to expand on it.

And lastly, (http://seduff.livejournal.com/10970.html) 10th Doctor Motivational - Words


It's you! 


Oh. you. are. amazing! I love your stuff, what a mind!!


This is magnificent, you're a genius


I've never seen anything like it, and that proves it, absolute genius.


Incredible, you are incredible.


Yes you are,  you're brilliant. 


One more thing, just remember, 


You're gonna be great, You're gonna be more than great


You're gonna be amazing. 


Isn't that right ... 

Friend. 


This fictional character, The Doctor (#10) is the most moving, inspirational character I have even seen. Though he wasn't my first Doctor he is by far, my doctor. The one I love and watch and miss. I love him so much, because he loved the human race, and was so human. He knew that humans were amazing and brilliant and beautiful for all their flaws. And he told me I was going to be something. He was so assured about humans, and their amazing abilities and their hearts that it made me believe in myself. Although I know it was the writers David Tennant brought him to life, and made him a (fiction) person I look up to and love.

So I'm attempting to pull myself up, and get my feet under me. So here we go. One breath at a time.

Breathe just....j-just breathe

So people I haven't talked to in a long while have suddenly popped up. Like ugly reminders of a past I'm trying to forget. Of a me I'm trying to forget. Which is almost impossible, because apparently nostalgia is a disease that never leaves. Indeed it seems that people feel the need to connect with the past, and to people who inhabited that life before now.

I, for the longest time have wanted to leave the me of high school, and even early college behind. Wanting to remove myself completely from that which I had been.Which seems to be very difficult for some people, most of the time I feel as if I am playing a giant role in my own life.

Beyond my anger at these idiotic people from Facebook. I'm graduating in about two weeks. And I don't want to, more because I don't want to go 'home'. I feel more caged and stressed at home than I ever was here at E.C. I wish I had enough money to get an apartment. But I can't. I feel like I'm not ready to graduate. Like I'm not ripe yet. But I don't know. I guess it's stranger that I feel like this campus is my real home and not were my family is. Indeed I feel as if these people, here on campus are bit more my family than my actual family.

In truth I'm scared shitless about this. I don't want to go home and live up to the expectation of certain people, who think if was an idiotic idea to be an art major. Who will do nothing but sit at home, work and be miserable.

But I'm not going to stop being an artist. Even though I won't be able to paint, I'll draw and keep building up my portfolio. Where I will hopefully do something.

This is what I'm going to do, I'm going to keep through things out there into that ocean in little glass bottles and hope that some of them come back with answers.

My Body is a Cage.

Though those of you who are my friends know I have been listening to "My Body is a Cage" a mellow a some what sad song. I cannot describe how much this song is about me.

I am a person who longs to be free of my body in every sense of the word. I know this is frightening, and though it's something that could get me put in a hospital for a good long time. I can't keep walking around like I feel happy. Because even when I am "Happy" there is always this weight. A pressure on my heart, my soul. I can't describe it beyond, I thought I would do better than this.

I want to fall apart, and rage against myself. I want to explode outward. But the cage I feel I'm trapped in makes me want to crawl into a hole and never see the sun again. I want to wither.

But I keep myself going. For other people. Not ever for myself. I know people expect me to be there for them, to help them through whatever shit-show they're going through. So I do.

I think this is why I daydream so much, that I pull myself away so completely. Even as I make and maintain friendships that I could do without. I feel the need to keep people happy, at my own expense.

I want to rip these friendships down, tearing them apart at the seams and walk away free of all the connections. I want to be alone. I want to be able to rip something apart so completely that it can never be put back together. I want to pull my anger and depression to myself like a bitter, sour-smelling blanket.

I want destruction to surround me so that I will never be bothered again. So everyone will know that I am this broken, terror of a human being. Someone who likes to be cruel. To manipulate people. Who stores rage up as  easily as shelving a book.

But others seem to see what they want. A happy semi-adult with no real future. Not knowing where she is going. A failure.

But I know my mind holds the key to whatever is going to happen for me. Daydreaming has brought me nothing but trouble. My shitty GPA being an example. My inability to write a paper that gets me a decent grade. I want to rage and punch and scream. But I won't.

I'll bitch and moan. And do what is expected of me while escaping into the world of fantasy. Be it in my head or in a book or in a comic or movie. I want my life to be that. So  much more with the wondrous things. But I am stuck here.

In a body...

that feels like a rusty, broken cage. My mind that wants to expand into whatever to wherever it wants. But is stuck here. Rotting away attempting to live up to the expectations of people I please for some masochistic reason.

I want to wake up one day, and not be me. I want to wake up where I can be something I am proud of. Someone can love for more then just a "friend when it's convenient." Which is what most of my friendships seem to be.

My body is a cage.

Erk....What?!

So three weeks done...three left. It's strange that I should find myself in trepidation over graduating. I've finished my major and my minor, and it feels like everything has just slipped through my fingers like air. And in truth I feel as if I haven't really grown up that much. I feel almost exactly like that 18 year old who was scared shit-less at being at college.

But yeah. It's time to move on, I mean I love my college. Well more the people in my college. They make me happy, and I'll miss them like nothing else. But I know that moving on is important. Because even though I'm going home and getting a 9-5 job I'm sure I'll pull something positive out of it. I mean it's life, shit can't hit the fan all of the time.

But I'm sure I'll get to it and be happy. It might take some time. I might hit the bottom of some unforgiving well of depression, I might just want to give up but I'm sure someone will be there to pick me up and throw me back into motion. 

So totally, graduating is scary. It's down right terrifying. But I know people will be there just in case I fall flat on my face and end up sobbing like a child. 

For all I know, something great could come and hit me in the face. Like a giant pie.

I'm a fangirl

My life, more recently has revolved around my issues and well fictional characters. Their triumphs and defeats make my life seem so ordinary and I suppose it is, but I am a fangirl. Not in the sense where I tack 'desu' at the end of every word, or that I ship so hard my brain explodes. But it has happened before.

My discovery of I guess the extreme fan base sort of started like this, and has kept me swimming in it.

I won't lie and say I dove right into great fandomship. I did write a few Mary-Sue fanfictions but I'm sure everyone has, and read a good amount of shit on fanfiction.net. But soon (with the help of key friends, you know who you are) I was diving head first into straight fanfiction that began my shipping battles, which ended as quickly as they came because really fighting over fictional characters is boring to me.  

Though most of my childhood, and adolescence was spent in this type of state.

I ended up a different person, though I still carry the baggage today. I dropped many of my hetero-ships though I still claim a few, like Neville/Luna, I moved to slash and now write it. I have a good following on one site where I write crossovers and have way too much fun with Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 

Beyond all of that being a fangirl is more than writing fanfics or drawing fan art. It's about being excited over things that some people would scoff at. Such as hearing Snape whisper "Trust me" before the doe appears in Deathly Hallows pt 1. 

And even better beyond that, it has helped me develop into someone I love being, beyond my image issues. It made me smart, literate and creative. Being involved with these fandoms have given me a base in which to express myself which, in turn has spread far beyond the fandoms and into my own life. 

My childhood was built around these fandoms, and allowed me to change myself in better ways. Anita Blake tought me to be strong (before the series turned into an HBO special), Harry Potter taught me to choose between what is right and what is easy, Frodo Baggins taught me to be strong in the face of the darkest things, Aang taught me to have fun, The Doctor told me I was extraordinary and Xander, dear dear Xander taught me to love without reining myself in. 

I know being called a fangirl has some other things attached to it. Weird obsessed girls who talk about only that and will shove it into any conversation, and I have met one of those, but I feel like it is a large stereotype that can't be broken until we, ourselves break it. 

So fuck it.

I'm a fangirl, I giggle as stupid things, I poke and squee over Zuko statues. I crank the volume to hear Snape. I love Loki's anguish. 

But I'm a student (a senior) in college, I'm an aunt. And the sad thing is.

All my friends and family are fangirls/boys too.

Day MADE

As of today I am accepted into SMFA Boston. Me, who thought I was going to sit by and cry for ever and work at McDonalds. I plan on going, I plan on getting my masters and becoming a prof. much like the one who made me realize that art is my one true love.

Now...I was going to tell you a bit bout this guy, but here learn for yourself

http://www.marcdennis.com/ .

If I know anything, I know this. Only from studying under him did I make it here. He pushed me, and shoved me in directions I wouldn't have gone without him. And I thank him for that.

But for now, I'm going to rejoyce and party it up.

Because bitches. I know where I'm going and I know where I've been.

What is Time?

After listening to Billy Porter's song, Time I feel so helpless and down trodden. Every time I think everything is basically stable in some sort of way, I get sucker punched and I crumble. The stress of Senior year is wearing on me, and I don't know how much more I can stand without falling apart completely. I'm supposed to be happy, and even though I'm not I wish my friends were. But they are suffering through the exact same thing as me and I just wish I had never come to this school. That I had never wasted so much of my money on something that may not even get me anywhere. Art isn't exactly a flourishing place for new comers to just hop into.

I have the passion, the love of my work, the feeling of brush on canvas, pencil on paper. But I don't know if that is enough. There are so many artists out there who art great, people I know who have flopped and fallen on their faces.

Dear Lord what am I going to do? I'm going to be stuck at a minimum wage job the rest of my life, my college education giving me nothing but the ability to paint pretty things and identify ancient things. Without much else I'm going to be working at a dead end job.

Confucius said "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."

I found something I love, but I'm so unsure of my ability to find a job in that field. I hate being so unsure, so scared. I don't remember being this scared coming out of High School, I have no idea why. But it scares me shitless.

I don't want to be a dead beat.

So when life gets tough...grab a sledge hammer.

Actually I am getting a little frustrated. I have photoshop, but my old tablet bucket the kickit. So I'm thinking about buying myself a bamboo tablet from Wacom. I loved using my old one to doodle and draw. It think I might be able to paint better than with my mouse. So I'm going to run it by the parental units and then we'll see.

On another hand. It's Thursday and I have no classes today, and my later Fassette date with a friend. So I'm passing time by writing and doing things that aren't really that fancy. It's all fun and such.

But video art is going horribly so I'm going to pop out a couple videos here soon, one a cooking video another as a time lapse video of me painting. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully great. >.>

The Magic of Insomnia

The magic on insomnia has taken over my life and now I'm trying desperately to pull something back into my life. I have so much to do and it seems like I don't have enough time to do it.

3 Paintings due on Monday, I need to begin My Video Art Projects, Forensic Science Test on Monday and just a bunch of shit I really don't want to do. And on top of that My reading list for my other blog is now up to Twilight...I'm seven chapters in and I have to say it's pleasantly mind numbing.

But mostly I'm like...

while all of the fangirls are like....

SO back I go to pull myself through a few more chapters at this ungodly hour.

A Letter to Me at 17

Adriane,

Stop being so angry, and try to be happy. I know that being evicted is hard but you’ll pull through. Syracuse will be one of the best things that happen to you. But try to get a job and be happy when you realize that your life isn’t really that hard. Save up money and help you Mom as much as you can with gas money.

When you get into college, follow your heart. Art is your love, but always go through anything that tickles your fancy. You got so much going for you, and you’re going to go on and do some great things. Don’t shut people out, and be glad when someone waves at you. And when you meet Rachel hug her as much as you can, she really needs it. Always give people the benefit of the doubt.

Hug everyone as much as you can, because you’re going to figure out what it is to love. Tiz needs a good waking up before you leave, but let him go it’ll be okay. Jasper will need you, don’t ignore his texts when you’re busy. Try and visit Rosey as muh as you can.

You need to thank Mrs.Flannery and Mr.Boyer they helped you so much. Find Mr.Tomidi and hug the stuffing outta that man. Because you never know where life is going to take you, writing is one of your biggest loves. They helped you build up that love.

Try not to be so mad at everything and defensive, I know a lot of people based on track record have fail miserably in the area of treating you great. Don’t play it safe! But don’t be stupid. Playing it safe never helped anyone get anywhere.

It’ll be okay, these aren’t the best days of your life. But I guess I’ll see you in the mirror here soon. I wish you’d work out, and eat healthier. I wish you would take school a little less seriously, and have more fun. I wish you put yourself out there. I wish you would follow your dreams before it’s too late. I wish you’d learn about cooking more. I wish you’d take some serious classes senior year.

Don’t worry about finding a guy, he’ll wander on in sometime. He’ll see the diamond sparkling in there and cherish you. That will be worth waiting for, and you are beautiful. Don’t brush off someone who tells you so. Hug Jason by the way, he really needs it. Augie will be moving soon, try to keep up with him.

So no fear, chin up. Be happy. But don’t worry about me, because hey you’ll know me soon enough. Have some faith. Give God a chance to poke into your life.

Love, Adriane.

P.S. Go hug Danielle Overland the first chance you get.

My Own Biscuits

So I woke up this New Years day to cook. Brunch seemed like the thing to do for my family so I got to work. First I picked one of my mother's cookbooks and searched for a biscuit recipe. And well I ended up throwing that monstrosity out and making up the recipe I am now going to show you.

Ingredients

3 cups of flour ( add more as needed)
4 Tsp of Baking Powder
1/4 Tsp of Baking Soda
2/4 Tsp of kosher salt
4 Tbs of Buttermilk Powder
2 Tbs of Butter
1 Tbs of Shortening
1 Cup of Water

Step 1
Preheat the Oven to 400 Degrees

Step 2
Mix all of the dry products into a large mixing bowl, until well combined

Step 3
Then take the butter and shortening and combine it with the dry products until it resembles course crumbs.

Step 4
In the center of the dry products make a well and then pour the water into it and mix well. If at this time it is too water add more flour until it before more dough like.

Step Five
On a flat clean surface, sprinkled with flour roll out dough until it is around a half inch thick and place them on a greased cookie sheet. (Sil pads may also be used)

Step Six
Place in over for 15 to 20 minutes until golden on top.

Step Seven (Optional)
Remove the pan and with a small brush spread melted butter on the top of the fresh biscuits.




Now what I made with this was grave with breakfast sausage. Which is simple. Here is what my mother taught me.

What you will need:

A pound of breakfast sausage
Around a cup of flour, I eye balled it.
Some Milk
Cornstarch

Step One
Brown the meat in the pan.

Step 2
Take the flour and sprinkle it in, letting it cook into the meat.

Step 3
Add the milk until the sausage float as the top, don't over fill. (look at picture)

Step 4
If the mixture doesn't thicken nicely, take around 1/4 a cup of milk and add around two tsp of cornstarch and add a little by little until it is thick enough. REMEMBER that it will thicken as it cools.

Serve over Biscuits.