Breathe just....j-just breathe

So people I haven't talked to in a long while have suddenly popped up. Like ugly reminders of a past I'm trying to forget. Of a me I'm trying to forget. Which is almost impossible, because apparently nostalgia is a disease that never leaves. Indeed it seems that people feel the need to connect with the past, and to people who inhabited that life before now.

I, for the longest time have wanted to leave the me of high school, and even early college behind. Wanting to remove myself completely from that which I had been.Which seems to be very difficult for some people, most of the time I feel as if I am playing a giant role in my own life.

Beyond my anger at these idiotic people from Facebook. I'm graduating in about two weeks. And I don't want to, more because I don't want to go 'home'. I feel more caged and stressed at home than I ever was here at E.C. I wish I had enough money to get an apartment. But I can't. I feel like I'm not ready to graduate. Like I'm not ripe yet. But I don't know. I guess it's stranger that I feel like this campus is my real home and not were my family is. Indeed I feel as if these people, here on campus are bit more my family than my actual family.

In truth I'm scared shitless about this. I don't want to go home and live up to the expectation of certain people, who think if was an idiotic idea to be an art major. Who will do nothing but sit at home, work and be miserable.

But I'm not going to stop being an artist. Even though I won't be able to paint, I'll draw and keep building up my portfolio. Where I will hopefully do something.

This is what I'm going to do, I'm going to keep through things out there into that ocean in little glass bottles and hope that some of them come back with answers.

My Body is a Cage.

Though those of you who are my friends know I have been listening to "My Body is a Cage" a mellow a some what sad song. I cannot describe how much this song is about me.

I am a person who longs to be free of my body in every sense of the word. I know this is frightening, and though it's something that could get me put in a hospital for a good long time. I can't keep walking around like I feel happy. Because even when I am "Happy" there is always this weight. A pressure on my heart, my soul. I can't describe it beyond, I thought I would do better than this.

I want to fall apart, and rage against myself. I want to explode outward. But the cage I feel I'm trapped in makes me want to crawl into a hole and never see the sun again. I want to wither.

But I keep myself going. For other people. Not ever for myself. I know people expect me to be there for them, to help them through whatever shit-show they're going through. So I do.

I think this is why I daydream so much, that I pull myself away so completely. Even as I make and maintain friendships that I could do without. I feel the need to keep people happy, at my own expense.

I want to rip these friendships down, tearing them apart at the seams and walk away free of all the connections. I want to be alone. I want to be able to rip something apart so completely that it can never be put back together. I want to pull my anger and depression to myself like a bitter, sour-smelling blanket.

I want destruction to surround me so that I will never be bothered again. So everyone will know that I am this broken, terror of a human being. Someone who likes to be cruel. To manipulate people. Who stores rage up as  easily as shelving a book.

But others seem to see what they want. A happy semi-adult with no real future. Not knowing where she is going. A failure.

But I know my mind holds the key to whatever is going to happen for me. Daydreaming has brought me nothing but trouble. My shitty GPA being an example. My inability to write a paper that gets me a decent grade. I want to rage and punch and scream. But I won't.

I'll bitch and moan. And do what is expected of me while escaping into the world of fantasy. Be it in my head or in a book or in a comic or movie. I want my life to be that. So  much more with the wondrous things. But I am stuck here.

In a body...

that feels like a rusty, broken cage. My mind that wants to expand into whatever to wherever it wants. But is stuck here. Rotting away attempting to live up to the expectations of people I please for some masochistic reason.

I want to wake up one day, and not be me. I want to wake up where I can be something I am proud of. Someone can love for more then just a "friend when it's convenient." Which is what most of my friendships seem to be.

My body is a cage.

Erk....What?!

So three weeks done...three left. It's strange that I should find myself in trepidation over graduating. I've finished my major and my minor, and it feels like everything has just slipped through my fingers like air. And in truth I feel as if I haven't really grown up that much. I feel almost exactly like that 18 year old who was scared shit-less at being at college.

But yeah. It's time to move on, I mean I love my college. Well more the people in my college. They make me happy, and I'll miss them like nothing else. But I know that moving on is important. Because even though I'm going home and getting a 9-5 job I'm sure I'll pull something positive out of it. I mean it's life, shit can't hit the fan all of the time.

But I'm sure I'll get to it and be happy. It might take some time. I might hit the bottom of some unforgiving well of depression, I might just want to give up but I'm sure someone will be there to pick me up and throw me back into motion. 

So totally, graduating is scary. It's down right terrifying. But I know people will be there just in case I fall flat on my face and end up sobbing like a child. 

For all I know, something great could come and hit me in the face. Like a giant pie.