Flawed.

You just, never fit Adriane.

Nothing like a person you thought was one of your best friends telling you that you'll never be enough to rip you apart at the seams. Nothing more painful, then someone you've told everything about yourself to, telling you that you are the most messed up out of all of their friends.

And though, we don't hang out much, or ever really anymore but I guess it's just. I don't know. I know I shouldn't listen to her, but she's not the first person to say things like this to me.

"You just, never fit Adriane. Out of all my friends you're the most fucked up."

What does this even mean? Because I don't sleep? Because my depression weighs me down a lot? Because I'm uncomfortable in my own skin a lot. Because I deflect and internalize?

What does this mean?

What?

I don't fit because my emotions get the better of me? I don't fit because I followed my god damned dreams? WHY~?

I WANT TO KNOW? EVERY TIME ANYONE HAS SAID THIS TO ME THEY NEVER TELL ME WHY! WHY AM I THE FUCKED UP ONE? BECAUSE I HAVE ABILITY TO SAY WHAT THE FUCK IS EXACTLY ON MY MIND?

I cannot do this anymore, I just can't. Almost every time I put myself out there. Give myself completely over, show a bit too much of who I actually am. I get so hurt that I want to quit.

I have a handful for best friends left. Most have Greek letter nicknames. And that sad thing is, I'm still holding things back.

And here we are...again

So I've applied at my dream job, won't say where. But I'm very excited. I wouldn't have done so at all, if it weren't for my friend...probably one of the few I call Best Friend. She basically talked me into it over an Instant Message conversation. She really does help me, which is awesome and fun.

But...

Beyond that, I'm still jobless and bored out of my head. This whole being stuck in my house for a long time is getting to me, coupled with my lack of money means I really can't do anything besides chill at the duck pond and feed birds corn. Which, contrary to popular belief gets boring really quick, or dangerous depending on if you are feeding the Swan lettuce. 

So now I've taken to watching things on Netflix, and writing/chatting. I have five days until my parents leave me and go to Colorado for three weeks, which I am insanely jealous about by the way. So I'll be home alone, no transport because as of right now, I lack a license and the car will be gone anyways. So I have a feeling I will be gaming and watching movies. Which though not boring, is more boring when you do it alone, and I won't bother my only friend too much during this time. She has her own life or table top gaming. (which I don't do) 

So I'm waiting for call backs, which I don't know if that will happen. I have to send out my portfolio to California. Then it'll be golden. Still freaking out, it'll be okay, I just have to breathe. O.O