What is beauty?

(orignal art and rights go to MichaelO on DeviantArt.)

Fat, Fat, Fat, Chubby, chunky, I have heard these words my whole life, and it has affected me. Everyone knows that children are cruel, and life is harsh. However, I’ve seen the harshness of the world for a long time. As I am fat, not even going to gloss over it, physically guys don’t like me. Moreover, it does not help that people who are obsessed with weight surround me. So I’ve been depression googling, I am a pro at this pass time, and have seen a lot of people’s opinions. Such as

From Chad D. on yahoo answers.
“Fat can be a lot of things, sexy is not one of them. Lose some weight, you'll feel better, look better, be healthier.”

Or Chris on yahoo answers.
“NO categorically no
fat people are just plain repulsive back fat, stretch marks, overhang. they are NOT SEXY at all”

Or Smiling Beauty on Yahoo Answers.
“No matter how fat or thin you are if you like the way you look , you shouldnt care about anything! think about some anorexic skinny girls or girls with eating disorders, they are so thin but still not happy with themselves. They look like skeletons. if you feel you are sexy , just dont let others destroy your confidence! you know why these people are saying you this ? because these people are actually low esteem and inconfident people, who feel good by judging others bad....we should feel pity for these people....these people cant bear to see you happy( they are pathetic losers, who feel low seeing you so confident and sexy) YES there are many girls who are fat and sooooooooooooooooooooooo SEXY!!!! i bet even you are sexy : ) . Inner happiness is everthing! NO matter if a girl is thin or fat , if she carries herself in a good way thats all! i have seen some slim girls with no confidence at all and with a bad sense of style! and i have seen some chubby girls with a superb sense of dressing and an air of enchanting confidence. excellent and keep up your confidence!”

So my question always is, especially when I’m depression googling, will anyone ever love me for me. Out of a friendship type, or just a sex buddy type of ‘love’. I’ve never had a good boyfriend and have come across a lot of hate for my size. I believe that this is why I am so cold and angry. Being the way I am I have come to have a thick outer shell that is hard to break. I suppose that people have different opinions and can’t seem to accept that obesity and overweight people don’t all take this abuse sitting down.

The shit that covers the media drags girls like me down. In addition, it hurts to feel that stares and the laughter in people’s eyes. These people judge and point at our flaws because they’re visible.

What makes it worse is when people I love say I am not fat. When I stare at myself in the mirror, I feel so angry and I hate myself. I have been ‘thick’ for as long as I could remember. I can’t remember a time when I fit it, because of my height, or because of my weight. It was strange being the tallest and the most overweight. I know these loved ones mean well, and to them I’m beautiful and great. However, I cannot see it.

But one thing I guess people have to understand is that trying to fit into a mold that you can’t doesn’t help. Trying to lose weight through extreme dieting (like I have tried) or short bursts of exercising (guilty again) doesn’t help much either. It makes you feel like a failure, and depresses you. It helps to get healthy, and start out small.
Smaller portions, and less time spent sitting around. I tend to play video games a lot, and had for a long time, had the tendency to snack during these times. So I stopped snacking, a small change. I started drinking more water, and there you go.
But I don’t know.

To all those reading this who feel like I do, who feel unpretty and fat, well think about it you’re not alone. I’m here and you have to know that you are always loved. It may not always be apparent, or the way you want. But it’s there, and guess what. Even though there is a chance, I don’t know you, won’t talk to you, or cry with you. Guess what I love you. For all that you are, for the quirks and the flaws. For the person who is in your body. I love you completely with all my heart because we are kindred.

And to those who are rude and ridicule, I cast the first stone at you. Can you not see the ugliness that I behold in your soul? Didn’t think so.


A movie recommendation for all those who want to find love within themselves.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0490196/