So here I am, sitting on my bed before work. Trying to figure everything out.
I want to get out of Syracuse, I want to get out of New York State. But I have so many hurdles to get over before I can even do that. I mean, I suppose that really I just want out of my parents house. I want to live on my own.
Though that seems forever away, I guess it's time for me to get moving. I'm saving money up, and trying to keep my shit together. Because although I've made it sort of successfully into adult life, the sense of dread that hangs over me is just stifling.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
The breath knocked out of me.
So today, I woke up in a pretty decent disposition. That should have been my first warning, that the day was going down the tubes. In many ways, this was a decent day. I had some good laughs with a friend, talked to some decent people over the phone. But I felt like shit all day, my body all out of wack for the last month or so.
And things are just piling up. Mostly emotional turmoil that I am piling on myself. So much self degradation, and disappointment that most days I feel like my chest is in a steel cage, pinching smaller and smaller like some corset that I can't remove.
This sounds so much like so many other entries I've made. But I feel like I'm slowly slipping down the end of a rope I've been clinging to for so long. People are always saying, "You're not alone in this." that is not comforting from people I don't trust, or are too far from me to really be there. I feel so alone, and trapped.
Trapped in this life that really I never saw myself in. I go to work, I sleep and eat. Really, I want to get out of this God forsaken city. I want to get out and move somewhere, where I can be my own person away from my family. Am I childish, wanting my life to become something I'm proud of? Really? I've been told that I am, for wanting to be happy so early in life. Well then fuck you, because I see no point in working for money only.
But with everything else dragging me down, my depression seemingly getting worse and worse. I hope I can hold on a bit more.
And things are just piling up. Mostly emotional turmoil that I am piling on myself. So much self degradation, and disappointment that most days I feel like my chest is in a steel cage, pinching smaller and smaller like some corset that I can't remove.
This sounds so much like so many other entries I've made. But I feel like I'm slowly slipping down the end of a rope I've been clinging to for so long. People are always saying, "You're not alone in this." that is not comforting from people I don't trust, or are too far from me to really be there. I feel so alone, and trapped.
Trapped in this life that really I never saw myself in. I go to work, I sleep and eat. Really, I want to get out of this God forsaken city. I want to get out and move somewhere, where I can be my own person away from my family. Am I childish, wanting my life to become something I'm proud of? Really? I've been told that I am, for wanting to be happy so early in life. Well then fuck you, because I see no point in working for money only.
But with everything else dragging me down, my depression seemingly getting worse and worse. I hope I can hold on a bit more.
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