Sound the Bugle

I can't sleep. Though this isn't a uncommon thing. This night is heavier. For I stand on the brink, of losing friends, of losing my future. I can't even recall how I got here. I've got nothing left, just an empty heart. I want to go home, I want to never wake up. I want to escape. And though I can make fun of my anger. My sadness over whelms me. I feel as if a large hole has been dug out of my gut. I'm low, and I might as well go lay in the mud. I'm just done. Why can't I just do what I love and not feel guilty for it?

Lions club. Let us start somewhere basic. I am resigning as the 'coordinator' because I feel as if I am the only one contributing to the club, besides the random helping hand from my roommate. So I E-mailed Mike (or parent club rep) and told him that I am peacing out. In much more eloquent words.

Now let us add some complication whip cream to this shit sundae. Most people only see the fat. My Fat. I believe that is why I am so insecure about myself. For years I've listened to teasing and hurtful words. And while people tell me I am silly. (How appropriate to strip down someone's social insecurities into such a down putting phrase.) I feel as if they don't understand, as if their words change everything completely. As if I don't see the people on campus laugh as I walk by, and though I act as if it doesn't effect me. It does, and I am able to bottle it up completely until it boils over to the point where I cling to my friends. And it disgusts me.

Thirdly, my future the lovely cherry a top of this sundae. I don't want to go into Classics for anything. I don't want to be a teacher. I want to be an artist. And I don't know what the fuck I am doing anymore. Art is my life. It keeps me a float. But I don't know why I never got into it as a major. Why didn't I follow my childhood dreams? Why did I do this to myself? Am I just as insecure as with my body? What am I going to do? It kills me not to have a set plan, and while many say that is life. Well I don't know. "How do you plan life?" Well you don't but isn't that what College is about? Planning you life? Knowing what you want to do?

What am I going to do?