This New Year

I've never been one to have a resolution. I'm not the follow through type. But I guess I should follow something up with some action. I hope to blog more this year, not only on this blog but on my other New blog.

A 365 Project, How exciting. Right???

But beyond that project, I want to put myself out there. Where I've never been. I've always tried to be safe and not to run screaming into the hills when something makes me feel awkward. I want to do things beside play on my computer and do class work. So here I am trying to make sure I don't fall through again. I'm going to enlist the help of family and friends to not only make sure I stay on track with my project, but also make me go out there and try new things.

So here we go, I'm going to start carrying a little book with me. Most likely a sketch book and update the blog when I feel Like I've gotten enough to write about. Which might be a week or a day. Never the same amount of time. Lets do this.

Art Block, and a PSA about Adriane

(FC07 on DEVIANTART)

I've been trying to figure out what I should do this term, since all I have to worry about is classes this time. It seems very strange to be done with graduate school stuff. It consumed most of my first-term and now I'm at a loss what to do. Gods know what I'm to do, but I have no freaking clue. Video art is going to be a problem, since this time it's just me no real professor assignments. I'm thinking about doing lyric videos, waiting for my favorite songs and making artistic videos that show the lyrics, theme and feeling of the song that I am listening to. But I doubt it is legal.

Most of the time I think of the weirdest animations that hardly seemed possible. In fact they seemed impossible, so beyond my skill as possible meeting finish one animation let alone the amount I need for this class. I've always wanted to music videos and always thought that animation was the way to go; but now something is off. I didn't have the tools that I needed last term. So the thought that I could do more advanced animation is shot.

So I'm back to square one, of thinking of Art Ideas that I can clearly try and do easily and with more fun than last term. Which pulling teeth could be more fun than last term. I'm just at a loss. I was going to do my life in a (span of time). But I tend not to have an exciting life, so well this is what it is. And Elmira College doesn't have the more riveting social/political hubs. SO I'm screwed with my art there, though I think as long as I hand in something that I at least tried on it will get a decent grade.

Time lapse is a good idea, and I could think of some interesting ideas that aren't too complicated hopefully. Or start out with a simple walking loop animation and move up.I will figure it out hopefully.

On the other hand it is the Holidays, and family is close. Not always my favorite thing.




Now I'm going to tell everyone who might read this a fact. I DISLIKE CHILDREN. My family, because I stand my nieces and my blood related children. I don't like spending more than one maybe two hours top with them. Yes this is horrible but dude!! I really don't care that much for fussy, loud children. Now with that said, people need to stop assuming that because said children will be in my home that I will wake up at 6am when they get here and take care of them. I didn't volunteer to be their day care when their day care isn't available. My mother did, so look this is me washing my hands of it.

I DISLIKE CHILDREN!!! So there is a reason I will close my door and ignore the knocking at my door. I'm a college student, not Mary Poppins.

The Little Things

So it's Senior year, and I am freaking out over Grad school and getting my portfolio finished ( or even started) I'm just hectically trying to get my stuff together. Jeez.

In these last few weeks I've been seeing things from a new perspective. I watch my friends smile and be happy and it makes me happy by proxy. These little moments are important to me, even if they seem trivial and stupid. They are great memories of times filled with laughter and not stress. So I'm grateful for them.



Friends to me are lie life blood, and tend to keep me a float in times where I feel as if I'm going to drown in everything I have to do. Even when they come and go I tend to remember names for years, even memories seem fresh to me when I talk about them. It's strange I guess, to remember for so long. But I mean, I never remember the important things, like birthdays or schools, or where they live, I remember that one time we hid under opposite beds and played cards.

SO I assume that little things mean more to me than the big things, which can't be good for my future. But is GREAT for my art. Small things like flowers make me happy, and inspire my art. Or the changing of the leaves in fall. SO I guess I'm trying to be Cliche without being Cliche. I'm not going to say "Stop and smell the roses." But hey, look up at the sky once in a while, marvel at the vastness of the known and unknown universe. realize that your life is small compared to the world.

Realizing you aren't big and important makes it easier to see the little things for the beauty they hold, or at least for me they do.



Life is coming up quickly for me, and it's starting to hit me that this is my last year at E.C. and I'll be in Graduate school in the real world. And I don't know if I'm ready or not, but I'm pretty sure that I'll handle it some how....

What is beauty?

(orignal art and rights go to MichaelO on DeviantArt.)

Fat, Fat, Fat, Chubby, chunky, I have heard these words my whole life, and it has affected me. Everyone knows that children are cruel, and life is harsh. However, I’ve seen the harshness of the world for a long time. As I am fat, not even going to gloss over it, physically guys don’t like me. Moreover, it does not help that people who are obsessed with weight surround me. So I’ve been depression googling, I am a pro at this pass time, and have seen a lot of people’s opinions. Such as

From Chad D. on yahoo answers.
“Fat can be a lot of things, sexy is not one of them. Lose some weight, you'll feel better, look better, be healthier.”

Or Chris on yahoo answers.
“NO categorically no
fat people are just plain repulsive back fat, stretch marks, overhang. they are NOT SEXY at all”

Or Smiling Beauty on Yahoo Answers.
“No matter how fat or thin you are if you like the way you look , you shouldnt care about anything! think about some anorexic skinny girls or girls with eating disorders, they are so thin but still not happy with themselves. They look like skeletons. if you feel you are sexy , just dont let others destroy your confidence! you know why these people are saying you this ? because these people are actually low esteem and inconfident people, who feel good by judging others bad....we should feel pity for these people....these people cant bear to see you happy( they are pathetic losers, who feel low seeing you so confident and sexy) YES there are many girls who are fat and sooooooooooooooooooooooo SEXY!!!! i bet even you are sexy : ) . Inner happiness is everthing! NO matter if a girl is thin or fat , if she carries herself in a good way thats all! i have seen some slim girls with no confidence at all and with a bad sense of style! and i have seen some chubby girls with a superb sense of dressing and an air of enchanting confidence. excellent and keep up your confidence!”

So my question always is, especially when I’m depression googling, will anyone ever love me for me. Out of a friendship type, or just a sex buddy type of ‘love’. I’ve never had a good boyfriend and have come across a lot of hate for my size. I believe that this is why I am so cold and angry. Being the way I am I have come to have a thick outer shell that is hard to break. I suppose that people have different opinions and can’t seem to accept that obesity and overweight people don’t all take this abuse sitting down.

The shit that covers the media drags girls like me down. In addition, it hurts to feel that stares and the laughter in people’s eyes. These people judge and point at our flaws because they’re visible.

What makes it worse is when people I love say I am not fat. When I stare at myself in the mirror, I feel so angry and I hate myself. I have been ‘thick’ for as long as I could remember. I can’t remember a time when I fit it, because of my height, or because of my weight. It was strange being the tallest and the most overweight. I know these loved ones mean well, and to them I’m beautiful and great. However, I cannot see it.

But one thing I guess people have to understand is that trying to fit into a mold that you can’t doesn’t help. Trying to lose weight through extreme dieting (like I have tried) or short bursts of exercising (guilty again) doesn’t help much either. It makes you feel like a failure, and depresses you. It helps to get healthy, and start out small.
Smaller portions, and less time spent sitting around. I tend to play video games a lot, and had for a long time, had the tendency to snack during these times. So I stopped snacking, a small change. I started drinking more water, and there you go.
But I don’t know.

To all those reading this who feel like I do, who feel unpretty and fat, well think about it you’re not alone. I’m here and you have to know that you are always loved. It may not always be apparent, or the way you want. But it’s there, and guess what. Even though there is a chance, I don’t know you, won’t talk to you, or cry with you. Guess what I love you. For all that you are, for the quirks and the flaws. For the person who is in your body. I love you completely with all my heart because we are kindred.

And to those who are rude and ridicule, I cast the first stone at you. Can you not see the ugliness that I behold in your soul? Didn’t think so.


A movie recommendation for all those who want to find love within themselves.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0490196/

life's blood

Throughout life, I have had one constant companion, music. A wonderful friend understands my moods, and my life. Music is a cultural experience, which every human in the world understands. The importance of music in my life is huge. It influences my art, my writing and my day. I have over the years, collected a large amount of music that ranges from country, to screamo. It is a great ability to be eclectic.
It baffles me when I hear people bashing a music genre based on stereotypical traits that appear in the genre. An example; country is all twang and trains. Which it can be, but it is talking about normal everything about a small town life. My love of music is my soul.
It is a rare thing to see me without headphones or music playing in the open air, when I’m not in class Or something just as boring/important.
One thing I’ve learned from being so in love with music is that one should always search for new music. It is important to do so. Never turn away from a band that you’ve only heard one song of. For example I hated Taylor Swift for a while, because of my freshman year of college my across the hall neighbors played “Love Story” on repeat all day every day. I hated the song and then by osmosis I hated Taylor Swift. Soon I found that there were songs I liked from her, such as “White Horse”. Slowly I noticed that artists I previously disliked I began to like more and more.
Then I found myself going deeper into other types of music. I began to take in movies scores and they seemed to overpower my music library entirely.
I still seem to be collecting more and more music as my life goes on. Now I’m happy that I got a terra bite external drive. :D
On another subject, I have found that I seem to have concluded about life and everything. I mean life is a hard thing, everyone can understand that. Nevertheless, I think careful what you wish for, because wishes come true. They are not free. Wishes can lead you where you will be lost…and alone. However, no one is alone, really alone. You are always loved and always will be. Even when you don’t see it. I know sometimes life kicks you in the ass, and some people leave you in the middle of the woods. However, there is always someone there to grab your hand and pull you in the right direction.

Hey you...I forgot about you....

Well not really forgot more got bored of life and have been ruling my Sims with an iron fist. Not that isn't a giant nerdy thing or anything. But as I was doing nothing, but ruling over my sims, writing some random thoughts for my book and sketching...and then eventually painting...I have been bored.

Over the past weeks, I have been to Key West (got sun burnt) and then done nothing really exciting. Life has been boring and sad. But other than that...nothing. HOWEVER!!!

I have been making leaps in bound in my writing, not only of fanfiction but my novel which has been sitting beside my computer JUDGING ME!! IT JUDGES!! But I will start with some nice information stuff...

As I've always dreamed of becoming a writer, I have been attempting to look into publishing. And wooo...it has been a chore. I will hopefully add some of my other 'storys' as they are now and add to them.

My joy of cooking

Well school is over and I am home. A little worse for ware with a 3.1 average for the year and a little more time on my hands. (unless I get a job, which I haven't got a call back so...doubtful) Any way, most of my time will be spent cooking. Since I will be living with a full kitchen next and last year at college, I've decided to expand my cooking horizons. Now I've made dinner twice as a few desserts. But my Guru is my mother. A Great cook and somewhat bossy tutor. (Though she is my mother)

Barely home for a week and I'm just getting in the swing. I find that I love cooking, and it is fun and relaxing. Well according to me. But I love it. Even though we don't have much money its fun to bake and cook and attempt to do that flippy thing with the food in a pan...(WHICH I successfully did!) I was really happy when I did. But tonight is an easy going night, with no cooking to be found. Besides my Apple Crisp and my mother's Strawberry rhubarb coffee cake.



So I have 79 days, until fall orientation. That is 79 days (minus my vacation time which is eight days) Our plan is for me to cook and to fill up a book of recipes and be glad that I have it for when I have my own house and family. I can't wait :)