What is beauty?

(orignal art and rights go to MichaelO on DeviantArt.)

Fat, Fat, Fat, Chubby, chunky, I have heard these words my whole life, and it has affected me. Everyone knows that children are cruel, and life is harsh. However, I’ve seen the harshness of the world for a long time. As I am fat, not even going to gloss over it, physically guys don’t like me. Moreover, it does not help that people who are obsessed with weight surround me. So I’ve been depression googling, I am a pro at this pass time, and have seen a lot of people’s opinions. Such as

From Chad D. on yahoo answers.
“Fat can be a lot of things, sexy is not one of them. Lose some weight, you'll feel better, look better, be healthier.”

Or Chris on yahoo answers.
“NO categorically no
fat people are just plain repulsive back fat, stretch marks, overhang. they are NOT SEXY at all”

Or Smiling Beauty on Yahoo Answers.
“No matter how fat or thin you are if you like the way you look , you shouldnt care about anything! think about some anorexic skinny girls or girls with eating disorders, they are so thin but still not happy with themselves. They look like skeletons. if you feel you are sexy , just dont let others destroy your confidence! you know why these people are saying you this ? because these people are actually low esteem and inconfident people, who feel good by judging others bad....we should feel pity for these people....these people cant bear to see you happy( they are pathetic losers, who feel low seeing you so confident and sexy) YES there are many girls who are fat and sooooooooooooooooooooooo SEXY!!!! i bet even you are sexy : ) . Inner happiness is everthing! NO matter if a girl is thin or fat , if she carries herself in a good way thats all! i have seen some slim girls with no confidence at all and with a bad sense of style! and i have seen some chubby girls with a superb sense of dressing and an air of enchanting confidence. excellent and keep up your confidence!”

So my question always is, especially when I’m depression googling, will anyone ever love me for me. Out of a friendship type, or just a sex buddy type of ‘love’. I’ve never had a good boyfriend and have come across a lot of hate for my size. I believe that this is why I am so cold and angry. Being the way I am I have come to have a thick outer shell that is hard to break. I suppose that people have different opinions and can’t seem to accept that obesity and overweight people don’t all take this abuse sitting down.

The shit that covers the media drags girls like me down. In addition, it hurts to feel that stares and the laughter in people’s eyes. These people judge and point at our flaws because they’re visible.

What makes it worse is when people I love say I am not fat. When I stare at myself in the mirror, I feel so angry and I hate myself. I have been ‘thick’ for as long as I could remember. I can’t remember a time when I fit it, because of my height, or because of my weight. It was strange being the tallest and the most overweight. I know these loved ones mean well, and to them I’m beautiful and great. However, I cannot see it.

But one thing I guess people have to understand is that trying to fit into a mold that you can’t doesn’t help. Trying to lose weight through extreme dieting (like I have tried) or short bursts of exercising (guilty again) doesn’t help much either. It makes you feel like a failure, and depresses you. It helps to get healthy, and start out small.
Smaller portions, and less time spent sitting around. I tend to play video games a lot, and had for a long time, had the tendency to snack during these times. So I stopped snacking, a small change. I started drinking more water, and there you go.
But I don’t know.

To all those reading this who feel like I do, who feel unpretty and fat, well think about it you’re not alone. I’m here and you have to know that you are always loved. It may not always be apparent, or the way you want. But it’s there, and guess what. Even though there is a chance, I don’t know you, won’t talk to you, or cry with you. Guess what I love you. For all that you are, for the quirks and the flaws. For the person who is in your body. I love you completely with all my heart because we are kindred.

And to those who are rude and ridicule, I cast the first stone at you. Can you not see the ugliness that I behold in your soul? Didn’t think so.


A movie recommendation for all those who want to find love within themselves.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0490196/

life's blood

Throughout life, I have had one constant companion, music. A wonderful friend understands my moods, and my life. Music is a cultural experience, which every human in the world understands. The importance of music in my life is huge. It influences my art, my writing and my day. I have over the years, collected a large amount of music that ranges from country, to screamo. It is a great ability to be eclectic.
It baffles me when I hear people bashing a music genre based on stereotypical traits that appear in the genre. An example; country is all twang and trains. Which it can be, but it is talking about normal everything about a small town life. My love of music is my soul.
It is a rare thing to see me without headphones or music playing in the open air, when I’m not in class Or something just as boring/important.
One thing I’ve learned from being so in love with music is that one should always search for new music. It is important to do so. Never turn away from a band that you’ve only heard one song of. For example I hated Taylor Swift for a while, because of my freshman year of college my across the hall neighbors played “Love Story” on repeat all day every day. I hated the song and then by osmosis I hated Taylor Swift. Soon I found that there were songs I liked from her, such as “White Horse”. Slowly I noticed that artists I previously disliked I began to like more and more.
Then I found myself going deeper into other types of music. I began to take in movies scores and they seemed to overpower my music library entirely.
I still seem to be collecting more and more music as my life goes on. Now I’m happy that I got a terra bite external drive. :D
On another subject, I have found that I seem to have concluded about life and everything. I mean life is a hard thing, everyone can understand that. Nevertheless, I think careful what you wish for, because wishes come true. They are not free. Wishes can lead you where you will be lost…and alone. However, no one is alone, really alone. You are always loved and always will be. Even when you don’t see it. I know sometimes life kicks you in the ass, and some people leave you in the middle of the woods. However, there is always someone there to grab your hand and pull you in the right direction.

Hey you...I forgot about you....

Well not really forgot more got bored of life and have been ruling my Sims with an iron fist. Not that isn't a giant nerdy thing or anything. But as I was doing nothing, but ruling over my sims, writing some random thoughts for my book and sketching...and then eventually painting...I have been bored.

Over the past weeks, I have been to Key West (got sun burnt) and then done nothing really exciting. Life has been boring and sad. But other than that...nothing. HOWEVER!!!

I have been making leaps in bound in my writing, not only of fanfiction but my novel which has been sitting beside my computer JUDGING ME!! IT JUDGES!! But I will start with some nice information stuff...

As I've always dreamed of becoming a writer, I have been attempting to look into publishing. And wooo...it has been a chore. I will hopefully add some of my other 'storys' as they are now and add to them.

My joy of cooking

Well school is over and I am home. A little worse for ware with a 3.1 average for the year and a little more time on my hands. (unless I get a job, which I haven't got a call back so...doubtful) Any way, most of my time will be spent cooking. Since I will be living with a full kitchen next and last year at college, I've decided to expand my cooking horizons. Now I've made dinner twice as a few desserts. But my Guru is my mother. A Great cook and somewhat bossy tutor. (Though she is my mother)

Barely home for a week and I'm just getting in the swing. I find that I love cooking, and it is fun and relaxing. Well according to me. But I love it. Even though we don't have much money its fun to bake and cook and attempt to do that flippy thing with the food in a pan...(WHICH I successfully did!) I was really happy when I did. But tonight is an easy going night, with no cooking to be found. Besides my Apple Crisp and my mother's Strawberry rhubarb coffee cake.



So I have 79 days, until fall orientation. That is 79 days (minus my vacation time which is eight days) Our plan is for me to cook and to fill up a book of recipes and be glad that I have it for when I have my own house and family. I can't wait :)

World War Z

The Zombie Apocalypse. The living dead, the horror of shooting your loved-one's face off as they try and eat your flesh. The most gruesome (in my opinion) of any monster created by George Romero.

The latest Zombie craze which has included movies, sayings on merchandise, books, games and has infected (no pun intended) my generation. I am a college student and have found myself talking out zombie plans, useful weapons and other such ideas.It is a pop culture idea that has turned many people into full on Zombie believers.

There are things that make it seem plausible that a Zombie Apocalypse could come about.

1. Brain infection/parasites.
2. Nero-toxins.
3. Viruses (biological mutations or crafted war-fare viruses)

To me seen the most plausible reasons for a zombie apocalypse. These three things can turn one into a mindless flesh eating monster. People have apparently milked this until it was dry. But I was surprised to find two things that caught my eye lately.

The first was a book. Pictured above. by Max Brooks. It is the Oral history of the Zombie War. This book hit me hard enough that it took me a good couple of weeks to actually finish it because in my mind it was so visceral. as an artist I have a painfully realistic imagination. The descriptions of battles, personal and organized by armies made my stomach clench. Brooks captured the horror of personal stories in his volume with few large plot holes that bothered me as a reader. It was surprising that it happened like that. Usually when it comes to Zombie stories, be it movies or video games, there are plot holes so large that I have to plug my ears and look away. It happens more than I wished it would but oh well.

The origin story of Brooks though not clear of the complete origins (unlike some who point at virus or others at Mad-Cow disease) he allowed it to be called "African Rabies" But it is never clear if the zombies were a natural virus that mutated or a brain infection. Another thing Brooks captured, is that Zombies or Zack are so much biological different from us just as they are the same. They Walk, Moan and are generally human looking, but the difference that is pointed out was that they are brains that don't need bodies to really survive. This is seen in Zack's ability to stay on the ocean floor and not be disabled. Unlike a human who would be killed by the pressure.

Brooks' book showed me the true horror of a Zombie War that Hollywood couldn't and wouldn't show me.

Now a video game team comes along and releases a teaser trailer that gives me a taste of that horror that Brooks' book gave me. Dead island is an upcoming video game. Take a look....

Dead Island (Teaser Trailer)

Heart of Disney

I've been watching and listening to music more and more lately. As if my soul is caught back into my childhood and I wish to feel what I once did as a child. That I will find great love and have an adventure. Then I sort of realize that I already have. I'm living an adventure, true not as exciting as I wished it would be. No swash buckling sword fights, no bad guy trying to get me.

But I mean, look at life it is a Disney movie. We all live through tragedy, and survive, and find a sort of happy ending in the end. We ALL have dreams!

This is what started it. Tangled. I love this movie, and not to include that I've been re-reading the Narnia series. And WOW. It makes my heart burst with happiness. I mean I feel as if There is something I can do and become something.

Not only that but it is a great movie and has a plot that can touch my heart. What I guess I'm saying is that I've always sort of known, but I have a Disney heart. A Heart which loves music and fairy-tales, they keep me from going insane. Which I think is a good thing.

I believe everyone has to have a love of fairy-tales. A love of things that seem impossible but aren't if you have the heart to love them. Also to have a love of great music which tends to be infiltrated into the animated Disney movies. I can't really find that I hate any Disney movie (except maybe Pocahontas, because the composition.

So there it is I'm a Disney girl. I always will be, and I suppose always have been. Tangled has though become one of my favorite movies up there with The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast. I love to see Disney doing animated features again. And well, it just makes me giddy and happy.

>3>

So term two is coming to a close and well...I'm glad for it. However, I am not ready to see my seniors go. Because well...I never want my seniors to go. I was the same way last year. But I didn't have as many friends in the Tens as I do the Elevens. But my big sister was in the Tens. <3 But so sad about that.

I cant wait for my classes term three. Because I'm taking two directed studies. One in Japanese Pottery and another in Printmaking. I'm really syched. It is going to be BAMF. XD

But other than that I have thing piling up fast. Have to write a paper for art history, and study for Latin. AND get all my illustration things done. It gets a little crazy at the end of the term. But having dealt with it for two point five years, I'm pretty used to it.

I'm happy to be an art major, but now I'm freaking out about my RETARDED timing. WHY OH WHY did I change so late. But I have a feeling that I'll get it done and good. But still freaking out a bit. :D