Before Work

So here I am, sitting on my bed before work. Trying to figure everything out.

I want to get out of Syracuse, I want to get out of New York State. But I have so many hurdles to get over before I can even do that. I mean, I suppose that really I just want out of my parents house. I want to live on my own.

Though that seems forever away, I guess it's time for me to get moving. I'm saving money up, and trying to keep my shit together. Because although I've made it sort of successfully into adult life, the sense of dread that hangs over me is just stifling.  

The breath knocked out of me.

So today, I woke up in a pretty decent disposition. That should have been my first warning, that the day was going down the tubes. In many ways, this was a decent day. I had some good laughs with a friend, talked to some decent people over the phone. But I felt like shit all day, my body all out of wack for the last month or so.

And things are just piling up. Mostly emotional turmoil that I am piling on myself. So much self degradation, and disappointment that most days I feel like my chest is in a steel cage, pinching smaller and smaller like some corset that I can't remove.

This sounds so much like so many other entries I've made. But I feel like I'm slowly slipping down the end of a rope I've been clinging to for so long. People are always saying, "You're not alone in this." that is not comforting from people I don't trust, or are too far from me to really be there. I feel so alone, and trapped.

Trapped in this life that really I never saw myself in. I go to work, I sleep and eat. Really, I want to get out of this God forsaken city. I want to get out and move somewhere, where I can be my own person away from my family. Am I childish, wanting my life to become something I'm proud of? Really? I've been told that I am, for wanting to be happy so early in life. Well then fuck you, because I see no point in working for money only.

But with everything else dragging me down, my depression seemingly getting worse and worse. I hope I can hold on a bit more.

This is where I feel at home

So here we are, mostly because I was getting tired of that picture post. It was stupid and mostly done out of laziness.

I've been employed and will be starting work on Monday. Which is a good thing. Money is always good. So my issues with being a bum are over. I still am terribly lonely. Having but one friend where I live is horrible. And realizing I'm not going back to E.C. was a painful realization. It's scary frankly. Not getting ready, not being excited to see the people I consider family. Knowing it's going to be a long time before I get to hug any of them. Or have demented conversations with them.

I've never actually felt this lonely before. I'm so good at socializing and making friends usually. But something about having not been here for about four years, makes me feel like the new kid a school again. I'm awkward and just silent.

It'll be worse on Monday. But what can I do?

So
job (check)
friends (a single check) [[and I love her for still being my friend]]
Happiness

I'll get there. Hopefully. I mean, there is always surprisingly hope.


“If you know someone who’s depressed please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation, depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do.”
— Stephen Fry

To all my friends.

Flawed.

You just, never fit Adriane.

Nothing like a person you thought was one of your best friends telling you that you'll never be enough to rip you apart at the seams. Nothing more painful, then someone you've told everything about yourself to, telling you that you are the most messed up out of all of their friends.

And though, we don't hang out much, or ever really anymore but I guess it's just. I don't know. I know I shouldn't listen to her, but she's not the first person to say things like this to me.

"You just, never fit Adriane. Out of all my friends you're the most fucked up."

What does this even mean? Because I don't sleep? Because my depression weighs me down a lot? Because I'm uncomfortable in my own skin a lot. Because I deflect and internalize?

What does this mean?

What?

I don't fit because my emotions get the better of me? I don't fit because I followed my god damned dreams? WHY~?

I WANT TO KNOW? EVERY TIME ANYONE HAS SAID THIS TO ME THEY NEVER TELL ME WHY! WHY AM I THE FUCKED UP ONE? BECAUSE I HAVE ABILITY TO SAY WHAT THE FUCK IS EXACTLY ON MY MIND?

I cannot do this anymore, I just can't. Almost every time I put myself out there. Give myself completely over, show a bit too much of who I actually am. I get so hurt that I want to quit.

I have a handful for best friends left. Most have Greek letter nicknames. And that sad thing is, I'm still holding things back.

And here we are...again

So I've applied at my dream job, won't say where. But I'm very excited. I wouldn't have done so at all, if it weren't for my friend...probably one of the few I call Best Friend. She basically talked me into it over an Instant Message conversation. She really does help me, which is awesome and fun.

But...

Beyond that, I'm still jobless and bored out of my head. This whole being stuck in my house for a long time is getting to me, coupled with my lack of money means I really can't do anything besides chill at the duck pond and feed birds corn. Which, contrary to popular belief gets boring really quick, or dangerous depending on if you are feeding the Swan lettuce. 

So now I've taken to watching things on Netflix, and writing/chatting. I have five days until my parents leave me and go to Colorado for three weeks, which I am insanely jealous about by the way. So I'll be home alone, no transport because as of right now, I lack a license and the car will be gone anyways. So I have a feeling I will be gaming and watching movies. Which though not boring, is more boring when you do it alone, and I won't bother my only friend too much during this time. She has her own life or table top gaming. (which I don't do) 

So I'm waiting for call backs, which I don't know if that will happen. I have to send out my portfolio to California. Then it'll be golden. Still freaking out, it'll be okay, I just have to breathe. O.O

I'm a fangirl

My life, more recently has revolved around my issues and well fictional characters. Their triumphs and defeats make my life seem so ordinary and I suppose it is, but I am a fangirl. Not in the sense where I tack 'desu' at the end of every word, or that I ship so hard my brain explodes. But it has happened before.

My discovery of I guess the extreme fan base sort of started like this, and has kept me swimming in it.

I won't lie and say I dove right into great fandomship. I did write a few Mary-Sue fanfictions but I'm sure everyone has, and read a good amount of shit on fanfiction.net. But soon (with the help of key friends, you know who you are) I was diving head first into straight fanfiction that began my shipping battles, which ended as quickly as they came because really fighting over fictional characters is boring to me.  

Though most of my childhood, and adolescence was spent in this type of state.

I ended up a different person, though I still carry the baggage today. I dropped many of my hetero-ships though I still claim a few, like Neville/Luna, I moved to slash and now write it. I have a good following on one site where I write crossovers and have way too much fun with Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 

Beyond all of that being a fangirl is more than writing fanfics or drawing fan art. It's about being excited over things that some people would scoff at. Such as hearing Snape whisper "Trust me" before the doe appears in Deathly Hallows pt 1. 

And even better beyond that, it has helped me develop into someone I love being, beyond my image issues. It made me smart, literate and creative. Being involved with these fandoms have given me a base in which to express myself which, in turn has spread far beyond the fandoms and into my own life. 

My childhood was built around these fandoms, and allowed me to change myself in better ways. Anita Blake tought me to be strong (before the series turned into an HBO special), Harry Potter taught me to choose between what is right and what is easy, Frodo Baggins taught me to be strong in the face of the darkest things, Aang taught me to have fun, The Doctor told me I was extraordinary and Xander, dear dear Xander taught me to love without reining myself in. 

I know being called a fangirl has some other things attached to it. Weird obsessed girls who talk about only that and will shove it into any conversation, and I have met one of those, but I feel like it is a large stereotype that can't be broken until we, ourselves break it. 

So fuck it.

I'm a fangirl, I giggle as stupid things, I poke and squee over Zuko statues. I crank the volume to hear Snape. I love Loki's anguish. 

But I'm a student (a senior) in college, I'm an aunt. And the sad thing is.

All my friends and family are fangirls/boys too.

The Magic of Insomnia

The magic on insomnia has taken over my life and now I'm trying desperately to pull something back into my life. I have so much to do and it seems like I don't have enough time to do it.

3 Paintings due on Monday, I need to begin My Video Art Projects, Forensic Science Test on Monday and just a bunch of shit I really don't want to do. And on top of that My reading list for my other blog is now up to Twilight...I'm seven chapters in and I have to say it's pleasantly mind numbing.

But mostly I'm like...

while all of the fangirls are like....

SO back I go to pull myself through a few more chapters at this ungodly hour.

A Letter to Me at 17

Adriane,

Stop being so angry, and try to be happy. I know that being evicted is hard but you’ll pull through. Syracuse will be one of the best things that happen to you. But try to get a job and be happy when you realize that your life isn’t really that hard. Save up money and help you Mom as much as you can with gas money.

When you get into college, follow your heart. Art is your love, but always go through anything that tickles your fancy. You got so much going for you, and you’re going to go on and do some great things. Don’t shut people out, and be glad when someone waves at you. And when you meet Rachel hug her as much as you can, she really needs it. Always give people the benefit of the doubt.

Hug everyone as much as you can, because you’re going to figure out what it is to love. Tiz needs a good waking up before you leave, but let him go it’ll be okay. Jasper will need you, don’t ignore his texts when you’re busy. Try and visit Rosey as muh as you can.

You need to thank Mrs.Flannery and Mr.Boyer they helped you so much. Find Mr.Tomidi and hug the stuffing outta that man. Because you never know where life is going to take you, writing is one of your biggest loves. They helped you build up that love.

Try not to be so mad at everything and defensive, I know a lot of people based on track record have fail miserably in the area of treating you great. Don’t play it safe! But don’t be stupid. Playing it safe never helped anyone get anywhere.

It’ll be okay, these aren’t the best days of your life. But I guess I’ll see you in the mirror here soon. I wish you’d work out, and eat healthier. I wish you would take school a little less seriously, and have more fun. I wish you put yourself out there. I wish you would follow your dreams before it’s too late. I wish you’d learn about cooking more. I wish you’d take some serious classes senior year.

Don’t worry about finding a guy, he’ll wander on in sometime. He’ll see the diamond sparkling in there and cherish you. That will be worth waiting for, and you are beautiful. Don’t brush off someone who tells you so. Hug Jason by the way, he really needs it. Augie will be moving soon, try to keep up with him.

So no fear, chin up. Be happy. But don’t worry about me, because hey you’ll know me soon enough. Have some faith. Give God a chance to poke into your life.

Love, Adriane.

P.S. Go hug Danielle Overland the first chance you get.

My Own Biscuits

So I woke up this New Years day to cook. Brunch seemed like the thing to do for my family so I got to work. First I picked one of my mother's cookbooks and searched for a biscuit recipe. And well I ended up throwing that monstrosity out and making up the recipe I am now going to show you.

Ingredients

3 cups of flour ( add more as needed)
4 Tsp of Baking Powder
1/4 Tsp of Baking Soda
2/4 Tsp of kosher salt
4 Tbs of Buttermilk Powder
2 Tbs of Butter
1 Tbs of Shortening
1 Cup of Water

Step 1
Preheat the Oven to 400 Degrees

Step 2
Mix all of the dry products into a large mixing bowl, until well combined

Step 3
Then take the butter and shortening and combine it with the dry products until it resembles course crumbs.

Step 4
In the center of the dry products make a well and then pour the water into it and mix well. If at this time it is too water add more flour until it before more dough like.

Step Five
On a flat clean surface, sprinkled with flour roll out dough until it is around a half inch thick and place them on a greased cookie sheet. (Sil pads may also be used)

Step Six
Place in over for 15 to 20 minutes until golden on top.

Step Seven (Optional)
Remove the pan and with a small brush spread melted butter on the top of the fresh biscuits.




Now what I made with this was grave with breakfast sausage. Which is simple. Here is what my mother taught me.

What you will need:

A pound of breakfast sausage
Around a cup of flour, I eye balled it.
Some Milk
Cornstarch

Step One
Brown the meat in the pan.

Step 2
Take the flour and sprinkle it in, letting it cook into the meat.

Step 3
Add the milk until the sausage float as the top, don't over fill. (look at picture)

Step 4
If the mixture doesn't thicken nicely, take around 1/4 a cup of milk and add around two tsp of cornstarch and add a little by little until it is thick enough. REMEMBER that it will thicken as it cools.

Serve over Biscuits.