Sailor Soldiers and The zoo

So it's spring break, and it's already over half over. It's strange I feel that the semester is half gone. It went by very fast and it was very odd. Now I scheduled for summer and fall classes and just about shitting my pants in fear.

The reality that my mid point will be NEXT SUMMER is still sinking in. Where I'll have to show people my work, and tell them "Hey you know this story I've been working on. Well here it is, can I make this my thesis." And they can go "Yes." or "Hella No." and I am completely terrified over the prospect. What the HELL and I going to do? It seems rather odd to be thinking about it. Even when it's about a year away. Jesus. I didn't think that it would be flying by so quickly. But IT IS. WHAT?

Aaaaanyways! I've been having fun of spring break. I have watched an unholy amount of Sailor Moon. Because I am so excited for the new series of it to come out. AH! So excited! But other than that, I went to the zoo yesterday! Woo!

There Bai and I had a ton of fun. Running around from 10 in the morning until about 2. It was exciting. Early in the morning there was almost no one there, and we got to see the seals without a crowd and watched the polar bears wander about eating lettuce and sweet potatoes. The Grizzly bear sisters were just grumps though, never moving while I was there. But they were MASSIVE. We walked a lot of the zoo and then by lunch time, we were contemplating cannibalism, we may or may not have gotten a little turned around and could smell food but not find it. After an over priced lunch we set out again. Did the whole zoo one more time, drew some animals, and basically goofed off. 

The worst part of the day was waiting for our cab, which took two hours because apparently they have the direction sense of a drunk sloth. Sitting outside on the stone wall in the balring sun, I got the weirdest sunburn. Just all oddly placed. It sucked. 

Then the cab driver we got decided he was in Fast and Furious. I'm pretty sure I dislocated something and Bai almost vomited on the window. It was less than pleasant. We were rocketing up hills and the cabbie would throw his hands up int eh air at cars stopping for red lights. I feared for my life. 

But then we got to the diner, and had ice cream. It was a satisfying day topped off with me beating my latest play through of Mass Effect 1 and watching A Very Potter Sequel. 

So I've been gone for a while...

Hello Friend,

I know I have been gone for a while. And truthfully I just gave up on this whole blog thing because it was so much work, and I was so depressed. Not wanting to bring you down with all my melancholy feelings. But maybe it's time to start up again.

I find that I need something to fill my time, and although I now have a Youtube channel, and a Tumblr. I find that posting personal things on those are just, useless. So here I am. Again. I am going to try and post once a week.

So update. When previously I was living in Syracuse, I now live in San Francisco. Well at least for the next three years while I get my masters. I'm already sweating bullets over my thesis. Which is silly. But I am. I'm at the Academy of Art University, and actually...genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. I'm doing what I love, and in fact terrified of what is going to happen.

I'm poor. And scared about money. Stacking up more debt. Can't find a job. Which is terrifying. But I'm making art again. Which is amazing and just a bit better than I was before.

I had been in a downward spiral following an extremely abusive relationship, where I literally though death was better than anything. Now here I am. Feeling better than I ever had. I'm happy. Here.

Here being on the planet. I'm still lonely, and very homesick. Which is normal but not too bad. I have a single very amazing friend. Bai, who is five years older than me but just a hoot. I'm glad to have met her. She's in the same major as I, Visual Development. I want to work in the film industry. Ain't that odd. But I never know what I'm going to be doing a month from now, let alone a year from now. But for now I'm happy.

Still I sometimes wake up sad, and hating everything around me. But Maybe I'll start branching out a bit more. To become more acquainted with this neighborhood. With this city. But I haven't found much to do for free, with me being poor and all.

I'll convince Bai to start helping me, even if it's just walking about. Or us just watching Sailor Moon.

Here is to a new start.

A girl named Adriane is growing up...and into herself.

The breath knocked out of me.

So today, I woke up in a pretty decent disposition. That should have been my first warning, that the day was going down the tubes. In many ways, this was a decent day. I had some good laughs with a friend, talked to some decent people over the phone. But I felt like shit all day, my body all out of wack for the last month or so.

And things are just piling up. Mostly emotional turmoil that I am piling on myself. So much self degradation, and disappointment that most days I feel like my chest is in a steel cage, pinching smaller and smaller like some corset that I can't remove.

This sounds so much like so many other entries I've made. But I feel like I'm slowly slipping down the end of a rope I've been clinging to for so long. People are always saying, "You're not alone in this." that is not comforting from people I don't trust, or are too far from me to really be there. I feel so alone, and trapped.

Trapped in this life that really I never saw myself in. I go to work, I sleep and eat. Really, I want to get out of this God forsaken city. I want to get out and move somewhere, where I can be my own person away from my family. Am I childish, wanting my life to become something I'm proud of? Really? I've been told that I am, for wanting to be happy so early in life. Well then fuck you, because I see no point in working for money only.

But with everything else dragging me down, my depression seemingly getting worse and worse. I hope I can hold on a bit more.

So very lonely.

So I found two Gifs that sort of fit myself in an alarming way. I mean, I was up so late last night, day dreaming. Which isn't all that surprising but then I tried to think of how my life would actually go. I want to get my portfolio up and running again. Since I have a new Drawing Tablet that would be easy. So what is there but to really step away from what people think I should do into who I want to be? 

Talking to my friend whom I've know for a decade they pointed out that I seem to cater to everyone else besides myself. I want people to be proud of myself even if I'm not proud of myself. They then proceeded to tell me to pull my head out of my ass and fight for what I want. Which...I'm trying but starting my own business is going to be a challenge, or getting my art out there is going to be a challenge. Getting inspired and staying that way is hard. 

But dude life is hard. This was all pertaining to the first Gif. 

On top of that, I never want to let people down. More over I don't want to crush myself. But I mean if I am to be realistic than I should probably accept that failure is undoubtedly going to occur. Nevertheless, I'm still pulling myself through and up. Getting a job is the first step.

Why do I bug myself?

Okay so today was the final critic, for painting....and although I'm really happy about my paintings, and my new (and shiny) major I can't help but wonder. WHERE the hell am I going? What is my goal, if the percentages that M.D. told us today are true. Can I really become a full time artist like I want to? I MEAN I want to but is it a possible thing for me to want to paint and draw and have gallery showings? Although i know my lifetime goal, to own and run a bookshop/cafe. I just have to find my way to that place. I'm going to work my ass off. That I know. But the struggle to move on up seems daunting right now. And it might be the stress of finals, and such but I bug myself about this thing.

I've never be a floater, able to just walked down any path. I'm a set in motion, plan type of girl. Which may seem weird...but I am. I know, that I will be doing so much shite this summer. Hopefully taking an art class at my local Community college, hopefully getting a job and painting and drawing my ass off. But I guess I'm looking in my own head...what do i want to do if I can't be a full time artist? (Because really, I don't want to be a real life Squidward)

So here I am staring at this text thing for my blog and filling it with useless things that my brain sputters out. Sort of like an exhaust pipe. I have photoshop open on a blank file...and NADA. Nope nothing swims to the surface of my mind. But I guess that is life. A lot of people seem to think I need my plans set in stone (including myself) but so many people seem to go with the flow.

Now I'm rambling. My own worries to you poor, poor reader. So here I go to paint some craptastic doodle and stare at it in disdain... :D

What is Time?

So I've had a ton of thinking time and I just want to know. What makes time pass, what is it measured in? I mean is it the tress that change...or how about that papers you write? I just can't understand it. Because I've been at school for almost a month and I can't seem to comprehend that time is passing so quickly.I really don't want it to.

But I guess it just I don't want time to go quickly. I don't want the seniors to graduate and I don't want to be a senior myself. Because truthfully I'm scared of the future and where I will go? I'm very insecure and it doesn't help at all with anything.

But on the other hand I still haven't really figured anything out. Other than how to exhaust myself. But well that won't help me really.

Peace out.