All you need is...

Listen to this; this morning I shuffled around my apartment like a wounded animal. I was hungry, but not hungry. I was sleepy but not. I did my class work and sat silently on the floor for a few hours, cooling mug of mint tea in one hand. I was so lonely, am so lonely. I've stayed in my room watching people love their lives. Even now, I cannot seem to find it in me to be happy.

The weird thing is I'm doing all I ever dreamed of. If you told me if be living in San Fran. a year ago I would have laughed in your face. I should be happy! I should be exploring things. But here I am watching You've Got Mail and Finding Mr.Destiny wishing that was me. 

But it's not. I know I'm not the most out going or even social creature.

 (｡-_-｡) 

Really I'm just a stick in the mud. I can't interact with anyone very well any longer. I fear that part of me may be broken forever. 

The one thing I want more than anything is love. I want to love and be loved in return. In a romantic sense. But every relationship I've had was me giving, and them taking. At the time it felt like love, but looking back I can see it wasn't. 

Being social is hard for me and I don't understand how people can put themselves out there. 

So much of what I read reminds me of other peoples lives. When really shouldn't it be mine I think of? But it's not. I'm a socially awkward otaku. Though that term is used to mean many things. To me it means outsider. I'm outside everyone. Really it feels like I'm in a bubble. Watching as everyone goes through amazing things while I sit back and go "Wow I want to do that!"  But never having the guts to do it.

I'm lonely. And scared. I'm not sure. 

You just, never fit Adriane.

Nothing like a person you thought was one of your best friends telling you that you'll never be enough to rip you apart at the seams. Nothing more painful, then someone you've told everything about yourself to, telling you that you are the most messed up out of all of their friends.

And though, we don't hang out much, or ever really anymore but I guess it's just. I don't know. I know I shouldn't listen to her, but she's not the first person to say things like this to me.

"You just, never fit Adriane. Out of all my friends you're the most fucked up."

What does this even mean? Because I don't sleep? Because my depression weighs me down a lot? Because I'm uncomfortable in my own skin a lot. Because I deflect and internalize?

What does this mean?

What?

I don't fit because my emotions get the better of me? I don't fit because I followed my god damned dreams? WHY~?

I WANT TO KNOW? EVERY TIME ANYONE HAS SAID THIS TO ME THEY NEVER TELL ME WHY! WHY AM I THE FUCKED UP ONE? BECAUSE I HAVE ABILITY TO SAY WHAT THE FUCK IS EXACTLY ON MY MIND?

I cannot do this anymore, I just can't. Almost every time I put myself out there. Give myself completely over, show a bit too much of who I actually am. I get so hurt that I want to quit.

I have a handful for best friends left. Most have Greek letter nicknames. And that sad thing is, I'm still holding things back.

What is Time?

After listening to Billy Porter's song, Time I feel so helpless and down trodden. Every time I think everything is basically stable in some sort of way, I get sucker punched and I crumble. The stress of Senior year is wearing on me, and I don't know how much more I can stand without falling apart completely. I'm supposed to be happy, and even though I'm not I wish my friends were. But they are suffering through the exact same thing as me and I just wish I had never come to this school. That I had never wasted so much of my money on something that may not even get me anywhere. Art isn't exactly a flourishing place for new comers to just hop into.

I have the passion, the love of my work, the feeling of brush on canvas, pencil on paper. But I don't know if that is enough. There are so many artists out there who art great, people I know who have flopped and fallen on their faces.

Dear Lord what am I going to do? I'm going to be stuck at a minimum wage job the rest of my life, my college education giving me nothing but the ability to paint pretty things and identify ancient things. Without much else I'm going to be working at a dead end job.

Confucius said "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."

I found something I love, but I'm so unsure of my ability to find a job in that field. I hate being so unsure, so scared. I don't remember being this scared coming out of High School, I have no idea why. But it scares me shitless.

I don't want to be a dead beat.