All you need is...

Listen to this; this morning I shuffled around my apartment like a wounded animal. I was hungry, but not hungry. I was sleepy but not. I did my class work and sat silently on the floor for a few hours, cooling mug of mint tea in one hand. I was so lonely, am so lonely. I've stayed in my room watching people love their lives. Even now, I cannot seem to find it in me to be happy.

The weird thing is I'm doing all I ever dreamed of. If you told me if be living in San Fran. a year ago I would have laughed in your face. I should be happy! I should be exploring things. But here I am watching You've Got Mail and Finding Mr.Destiny wishing that was me. 

But it's not. I know I'm not the most out going or even social creature.

 (｡-_-｡) 

Really I'm just a stick in the mud. I can't interact with anyone very well any longer. I fear that part of me may be broken forever. 

The one thing I want more than anything is love. I want to love and be loved in return. In a romantic sense. But every relationship I've had was me giving, and them taking. At the time it felt like love, but looking back I can see it wasn't. 

Being social is hard for me and I don't understand how people can put themselves out there. 

So much of what I read reminds me of other peoples lives. When really shouldn't it be mine I think of? But it's not. I'm a socially awkward otaku. Though that term is used to mean many things. To me it means outsider. I'm outside everyone. Really it feels like I'm in a bubble. Watching as everyone goes through amazing things while I sit back and go "Wow I want to do that!"  But never having the guts to do it.

I'm lonely. And scared. I'm not sure. 

So I've been gone for a while...

Hello Friend,

I know I have been gone for a while. And truthfully I just gave up on this whole blog thing because it was so much work, and I was so depressed. Not wanting to bring you down with all my melancholy feelings. But maybe it's time to start up again.

I find that I need something to fill my time, and although I now have a Youtube channel, and a Tumblr. I find that posting personal things on those are just, useless. So here I am. Again. I am going to try and post once a week.

So update. When previously I was living in Syracuse, I now live in San Francisco. Well at least for the next three years while I get my masters. I'm already sweating bullets over my thesis. Which is silly. But I am. I'm at the Academy of Art University, and actually...genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. I'm doing what I love, and in fact terrified of what is going to happen.

I'm poor. And scared about money. Stacking up more debt. Can't find a job. Which is terrifying. But I'm making art again. Which is amazing and just a bit better than I was before.

I had been in a downward spiral following an extremely abusive relationship, where I literally though death was better than anything. Now here I am. Feeling better than I ever had. I'm happy. Here.

Here being on the planet. I'm still lonely, and very homesick. Which is normal but not too bad. I have a single very amazing friend. Bai, who is five years older than me but just a hoot. I'm glad to have met her. She's in the same major as I, Visual Development. I want to work in the film industry. Ain't that odd. But I never know what I'm going to be doing a month from now, let alone a year from now. But for now I'm happy.

Still I sometimes wake up sad, and hating everything around me. But Maybe I'll start branching out a bit more. To become more acquainted with this neighborhood. With this city. But I haven't found much to do for free, with me being poor and all.

I'll convince Bai to start helping me, even if it's just walking about. Or us just watching Sailor Moon.

Here is to a new start.

A girl named Adriane is growing up...and into herself.

So very lonely.

So I found two Gifs that sort of fit myself in an alarming way. I mean, I was up so late last night, day dreaming. Which isn't all that surprising but then I tried to think of how my life would actually go. I want to get my portfolio up and running again. Since I have a new Drawing Tablet that would be easy. So what is there but to really step away from what people think I should do into who I want to be? 

Talking to my friend whom I've know for a decade they pointed out that I seem to cater to everyone else besides myself. I want people to be proud of myself even if I'm not proud of myself. They then proceeded to tell me to pull my head out of my ass and fight for what I want. Which...I'm trying but starting my own business is going to be a challenge, or getting my art out there is going to be a challenge. Getting inspired and staying that way is hard. 

But dude life is hard. This was all pertaining to the first Gif. 

On top of that, I never want to let people down. More over I don't want to crush myself. But I mean if I am to be realistic than I should probably accept that failure is undoubtedly going to occur. Nevertheless, I'm still pulling myself through and up. Getting a job is the first step.

I can't go to pigfarts! It's ON Mars.

SO I'm pretty pumped up. I get my paycheck soon and it's gonna be nice and big (according to me...I'm poor okay.) and I can't wait to buy a few things. I mean I'm buying two A Very Potter Musical Shirts :D which pump me up but them I don't know what else I should by....just one more thing. >.> So I've been hopping around amazon.com and I'm getting a Sunnydale High School Shirt LOL! It's pretty bank. But Now I must step away before I convince myself that I don't need it. But I REALLY WANT THEM!! But I save the rest of my money. :) It's easier that way. But That is about it.


I had one of my radio shows today and well it was fun we did the safety dance. :D But no one saw us. But it was fun. Now all I have to do is translate Latin and go to work.