Why do I bug myself?

Okay so today was the final critic, for painting....and although I'm really happy about my paintings, and my new (and shiny) major I can't help but wonder. WHERE the hell am I going? What is my goal, if the percentages that M.D. told us today are true. Can I really become a full time artist like I want to? I MEAN I want to but is it a possible thing for me to want to paint and draw and have gallery showings? Although i know my lifetime goal, to own and run a bookshop/cafe. I just have to find my way to that place. I'm going to work my ass off. That I know. But the struggle to move on up seems daunting right now. And it might be the stress of finals, and such but I bug myself about this thing.

I've never be a floater, able to just walked down any path. I'm a set in motion, plan type of girl. Which may seem weird...but I am. I know, that I will be doing so much shite this summer. Hopefully taking an art class at my local Community college, hopefully getting a job and painting and drawing my ass off. But I guess I'm looking in my own head...what do i want to do if I can't be a full time artist? (Because really, I don't want to be a real life Squidward)

So here I am staring at this text thing for my blog and filling it with useless things that my brain sputters out. Sort of like an exhaust pipe. I have photoshop open on a blank file...and NADA. Nope nothing swims to the surface of my mind. But I guess that is life. A lot of people seem to think I need my plans set in stone (including myself) but so many people seem to go with the flow.

Now I'm rambling. My own worries to you poor, poor reader. So here I go to paint some craptastic doodle and stare at it in disdain... :D

Oh HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY ART MAJOR!

You never realize how much people influence you until you listen to your own heart, and how the simplest of phrases can push you in the simplest of directions. I mean having someone you've had limited interaction with tell you something that touches your soul makes all of the difference. How your family telling you that it was fate for you to do what you always dreamed of doing. And not only hearing that but going on with the dream. I did that today, with one hour of sleep and the determination of someone who found their dream was within their grasp.

I'm now a Art Major with a Classical Studies Minor. I feel like this is what I always should have done. Why I didn't do it before I haven't a clue but I'm certain that it was meant to be. I have my head brimming with inspiration and ideas that just popped up with my freedom of art. I think that this experience allowed me to pull together and start to make sense of the shit sundae that was and still is my life (sort of).

As I sit here waiting for work to get it's ass here so I can get to sleep. Which is most definitely coming tonight. I'm glad I have people that love enough to tell me to get my head out of my ass, or to support me. Friends are another self. And I believe I found that is the people who inspire me to wake up every morning and get going. It is strange to know that all these people not only know me but love me is strange. Sometimes you can feel so alone and not even realize it. People influence you, and you can never let them get you down.

Learn from my mistakes, because it's impossible for you to make them all yourself. Don't let people tell you that your dreams are worth nothing, and though I still have self image issues. It is true that I can only let what people say affect me. And I was a fool to let it. (Peer Pressure is a bitch sometimes, but so is pop culture)

I don't know where I'm going from here but I'm sure as hell not going to do it alone any more.

Sound the Bugle

I can't sleep. Though this isn't a uncommon thing. This night is heavier. For I stand on the brink, of losing friends, of losing my future. I can't even recall how I got here. I've got nothing left, just an empty heart. I want to go home, I want to never wake up. I want to escape. And though I can make fun of my anger. My sadness over whelms me. I feel as if a large hole has been dug out of my gut. I'm low, and I might as well go lay in the mud. I'm just done. Why can't I just do what I love and not feel guilty for it?

Lions club. Let us start somewhere basic. I am resigning as the 'coordinator' because I feel as if I am the only one contributing to the club, besides the random helping hand from my roommate. So I E-mailed Mike (or parent club rep) and told him that I am peacing out. In much more eloquent words.

Now let us add some complication whip cream to this shit sundae. Most people only see the fat. My Fat. I believe that is why I am so insecure about myself. For years I've listened to teasing and hurtful words. And while people tell me I am silly. (How appropriate to strip down someone's social insecurities into such a down putting phrase.) I feel as if they don't understand, as if their words change everything completely. As if I don't see the people on campus laugh as I walk by, and though I act as if it doesn't effect me. It does, and I am able to bottle it up completely until it boils over to the point where I cling to my friends. And it disgusts me.

Thirdly, my future the lovely cherry a top of this sundae. I don't want to go into Classics for anything. I don't want to be a teacher. I want to be an artist. And I don't know what the fuck I am doing anymore. Art is my life. It keeps me a float. But I don't know why I never got into it as a major. Why didn't I follow my childhood dreams? Why did I do this to myself? Am I just as insecure as with my body? What am I going to do? It kills me not to have a set plan, and while many say that is life. Well I don't know. "How do you plan life?" Well you don't but isn't that what College is about? Planning you life? Knowing what you want to do?

What am I going to do?

I'm still alive.

So swimming at seven in the morning really wakes you up. So I got through it, though my roommate was freezing her butt off. It was fun to swim though and get back int he swing of an actual workout. So I'm back into swimming everyday (hopefully) But I'll be dragging my friends to swim iwth me, so no more solo swimming. I missed swimming a tone, it feels good to be back in it, but there were a ton of people there today. It was crazy.

When it comes to school, I've had the absolutely worse week I could possibly have in my life. My advisor just makes me want to punch her, maybe. But I had a complete break down for the second time this week. Got over it with some book throwing, Ice Cream, Fried Mushrooms and LOTR. But it started earlier this week with Latin and my lack of ability with it. I really have issues translating it and understanding without a book. That Is what gets me really back. Then advising just made me even more angry. So Now I'm attempting to be civil and not talk to this woman. then in class she called out names and made us stay behind to learn how to write a paper. In a very snotty, bitchy way. Well lets just say we're all pissed, at least I know my friend and I are. It was very rude and stupid of her to do that as if we wouldn't get angry. We are all college students, Juniors and SENIORS! We know how to write a god damned paper.

So I think it's safe to say that I could really kill someone right now and just be happy. So I'm going to go get food, print things out and study for Latin. I'm still fuming and can't stand the thought of seeing her now.

Midterm Break

So I'm back to being addicted to everything Glee, Mike/Kurt Fanfiction is my vice right now. But other than that, it is Midterm break here at E.C. and this lets me not have an anxiety attack every three minutes. So now I'm waiting for my parents to come here and visit me.

On another note, I'm still reading Harry Potter, but I've made it half way through book 2. With help from my friends (They Read to Me) and well I find that I don't hate it as much as I used to. It used to be my least favorite book, now I seem to like it more. Although Gilderoy Lockhart is still a giant bag of douche.

How someone didn't smack him in the face (though Snape whipping his ass across the room during dueling club still makes me giddy like a school girl) I'll never know. And Dobby just grates on my nerves, but I understand how important he is to the story. Much like Gollum , I hate him but I understand why he is in the story in the first place.

Other Wise my life is pretty good, I have to write two papers. Which frankly won't take long (I hope) and well that is about it. All I must do during break is study Latin which allows me to make stupid and cheesy Harry Potter Jokes. That makes me wonder, was there a Latin class in Hogwarts. Because that would have been REALLY helpful don't you think. I think so, since their spell work is based in Latin.

I can't go to pigfarts! It's ON Mars.

SO I'm pretty pumped up. I get my paycheck soon and it's gonna be nice and big (according to me...I'm poor okay.) and I can't wait to buy a few things. I mean I'm buying two A Very Potter Musical Shirts :D which pump me up but them I don't know what else I should by....just one more thing. >.> So I've been hopping around amazon.com and I'm getting a Sunnydale High School Shirt LOL! It's pretty bank. But Now I must step away before I convince myself that I don't need it. But I REALLY WANT THEM!! But I save the rest of my money. :) It's easier that way. But That is about it.


I had one of my radio shows today and well it was fun we did the safety dance. :D But no one saw us. But it was fun. Now all I have to do is translate Latin and go to work.

What is Time?

So I've had a ton of thinking time and I just want to know. What makes time pass, what is it measured in? I mean is it the tress that change...or how about that papers you write? I just can't understand it. Because I've been at school for almost a month and I can't seem to comprehend that time is passing so quickly.I really don't want it to.

But I guess it just I don't want time to go quickly. I don't want the seniors to graduate and I don't want to be a senior myself. Because truthfully I'm scared of the future and where I will go? I'm very insecure and it doesn't help at all with anything.

But on the other hand I still haven't really figured anything out. Other than how to exhaust myself. But well that won't help me really.

Peace out.